Word Vomit

It’s that time again…time for word vomit (aka "blogging") but in this case, it might as well be considered word vomit because I haven't written in so long. Sometimes it’s like I can’t keep it from coming out, and I don’t know what’s going to come out next and it could be something horrible and nasty. I’m not really even surprised at myself anymore these days.
But let’s start with the good things…

I’ve started working at Café Caturra and although I’m still in training, I really enjoy it. I thought I would be scared to death to work in that kind of environment, in front of people and in something semi-high pressure (high pressure for me, at least). But it’s been a lot of fun. I enjoy interacting with the customers and getting to know the people I work with (most of which are still in high school or college…which reminds me, I feel old.) Anyway, it’s a great place. Great coffee, food and wine. And I get seriously hooked up. All my food and coffee drinks are free when I’m working, and when I’m not, everything is still 50% off. *Sweet* I’m definitely taking advantage of those perks, but more importantly, I’m finding out that I really can do this- I’m becoming less and less afraid of being around a lot of people.

My counseling sessions have been going really well. I went alone this week because my counselor didn’t think it was necessary for Jake to be there as much (although he can still come whenever he wants). I’m beginning to discover things about myself that I never paid attention to, or didn’t even know existed. I feel completely at ease with this man and if I didn’t know better, I’d say that he’s been a fly on my wall for the last 12 years of my life- he can read me like a book. It’s nice to feel validated in the things that I’m going through, to have someone say that they understand, but even more importantly, to give me ways to cope with the thoughts and emotions I’ve dealt with over the last year. The prognosis so far: "I’m not crazy." *yes*

Kara and I finally got to watch “Emperor’s New Groove” and hang out on Thursday night. It was so much fun! We ordered takeout from Panera, came back here and ate, and then watched the movie. And ate again. We had ice cream, chocolate chip cookies and vanilla wafers. It was great. But I better go easy on that stuff if I still want to fit in my dress for Becca’s wedding!

Jake and I celebrated our 11 month anniversary on Friday! *aw* I was too tired to cook and we didn’t feel like going out so we ordered Olive Garden takeout and stayed in for the night. We also had a great bottle of wine, compliments of Café Caturra and their wonderful discounts (because I would rarely pay $31 for a bottle of wine..) We're counting down to our one year anniversary now....it's so hard to believe!

I’m beginning to resume more piano lessons and pick up the pace with my teaching again. I’m joining the Richmond Music Teacher’s Association and by the fall, I’m hoping to have my own website (courtesy of my wonderful and very talented web developer hubby!) We’ll see what happens…

Now for the not so good of the week…(i think this is the "vomit" part)

I was reminded yesterday when Jake and I tried to go to his friend Brian’s wedding that I still have issues with anxiousness. My stomach can still be a problem from time to time, and although I’m learning to deal with it better these days, yesterday was not one of those days apparently. I didn’t even sit through the ceremony. I got up and left to sit in the car before the bride even came down the aisle. Then I started to feel better and was making my way back into the church when a lady stepped outside and said the ceremony was already over. I swear it was the shortest ceremony I have ever not sat through…

And then the guilt kicked in. Jake wasn’t too happy. He understood, but he’s only gone through this scenario about a hundred times now since we’ve gotten married. I know it’s been really tough for him. It seems so selfish for me to sit out in the car by myself, and it’s not that I’m not considering his (or anyone else’s) feelings, but I still feel like my body is out of control at times. We tried to make it to the reception, but I just sat in the car and cried, after crying all the way there. At that point, Jake wasn’t even in the mood to go in, so we just left. It’s days like yesterday that make me realize how much I've missed out on. How much i've allowed myself to miss out on. I feel like I should be able to be in control of this, and the irony is that this is really much more an issue of control than anything else. I get angry at myself for what i view is me not being able to make myself walk back into a restaurant, or like yesterday, get out of the car and walk inside to sit with my husband and celebrate with his friends.

I get so angry in fact, I think about hurting myself. When I was eight, my parents and I moved to New Orleans for my dad to go to seminary. It was a really tough transition for me and I felt like everything was spinning out of control. So I tried my best (in my eight year old mind) to control any and every situation I could. I actually became obsessive compulsive for a while. I had to do everything a certain number of times: make my bed, put on my clothes and shoes, walk in and out of rooms, turn the light switches on and off, etc. It was ridiculous, but at the same time, I couldn’t help it. It just started happening. I had to do everything “perfectly,” or else I would do it over and over and over. I would get angry with myself then too. I’d lie in my bed and cry and hit myself on the legs and arms- hard enough to give myself bruises. It was bad. I think I’ve tried to repress those memories.

So I guess it doesn’t really come as a shock to me now, almost 20 years later, that I find myself dealing with issues of control in the same kinds of ways. I’m not OC this time- now it’s a panic disorder. But I still get angry at myself for not being able to do things- go to a wedding, eat out with a friend, have people over. I'll feel like I’m not a good enough wife and that i'm constantly letting people down. My whole life, I’ve lived for everyone else’s approval and it’s always been based on things that I’ve done or accomplished. When I can’t do things anymore, my world falls apart, and I don't know how to deal with it so well.

Yesterday, I hurt myself. And i did it on purpose. First let me say, I’m not suicidal. It wasn’t that extreme. I won’t say what I did, but I did it intentionally. I felt that I needed to punish myself. Sounds stupid, I know. All it took was one bad afternoon after a really great week to knock me off track and remind me that I still have a lot of issues to deal with. I’m still angry that I’m sick, and I’m still resentful of all that it's cost me. I hate that it’s affected my friendships, my relationship with my parents, with Jake, my social life, my music- everything. Yesterday I felt so much anger and bitterness in me, it actually seemed logical to take it out on myself. I reasoned I had been taking it out on other people long enough. So yes, I need help. That goes without saying. I’ve been admitting that to people for a while now, and I’ve been getting it. But this is a battle I’m going to be fighting for a while, until I can let go of feeling like I need validation, approval and living up to other people’s expectations of “who” I should be. I’m getting there slowly and I’m hopeful. I have wonderful people in my life, and I know they’re not there by accident.


So yeah…that was a lot to get out. But I feel better now. I keep praying, keep trying to think positively and trying my best to embrace the “bad” with the good. Maybe it’s at the times when we’re most sad, alone, angry, afraid- whatever- that we have the opportunity to really grow the most.

If it weren’t for those damn growing pains….