I'm sitting on the couch having a hot cup of tea...(imagine me saying that in a British accent....except the Brits would say a "spot of tea.") Anyway, i'm a little bored, so i figured it was time to update the blog.
Nothing new to report really...Jake went out of town on business this week for the first time since we've been married. I swear, you would have thought he was leaving for Iraq. He was going to be gone for two nights- yes, two nights, but it just about killed me. I didn't expect to be so emotional- i don't think he expected me to be that emotional either. hah. it wasn't obnoxious, though. Endearing, hopefully. For so long, i've prided myself on being independent and being "okay" to be by myself lots of times. Now i admit it- i'm spoiled (i know you're shocked). Seriously though, i think it really hit me how much things have changed- and rightly so- since we've been married. I realize how much I depend on him- how much i just want him to be around, or nearby- even if i won't admit it to anyone. I wouldn't label myself as "clingy" (i guess you could ask him though), but I just never get tired of having him around. He doesn't get on my nerves. We have a blast together even when we're doing absolutely nothing. That kind of thing is easy to take for granted...i got a healthy reminder of that Monday and Tuesday night. *i'm a lucky girl.*
And Happy 7 months to us! =) Good grief, life can change so fast. We're 7/7/7 now. Seven months of dating, seven months of being engaged, and now seven months of being married. And I like the number 7- it's one of my favorite numbers. It gets better and better. Not necessarily easier...God knows the last 7 months have been anything but easy, but it really does keep getting better in spite of the adjustments and "growing pains."
And speaking of "pains," where the hell is my period? I'm 4 days late. Yeah, like i said...happy 7 month annniversary to us. hah. I don't think i'm pregnant...in fact, i'm willing it not to be. I'm determined that the back room in our house is going to be our office, NOT a nursery. I've lost a good bit of weight over the past few months, and the doc had told me that the weight loss could contribute to weird cycles, or even losing my cycle altogether, but geez, i still have some body fat left. But then again, i'm not on the pill either. I've had friends get pregnant when she was on the pill, so anything is possible. Nothing is guaranteed. I've decided that if my little friend hasn't shown up by Saturday, i'll go and get a pregnancy test. But i'm not pregnant. Nope. Besides, i'm going to be an Aunt again next Friday- Carmen is being induced and then Abby will be here!!! I can't wait to meet her! Yay for little baby girls. =) I must take her shoe shopping as soon as she understands what a shoe is. I've already told Jake that girls are all i want to have when it's time to start a family. (like it's up to me). Little girly-girls that i can dress up and take shopping and make their daddy crazy. just kidding....(kind of) =)
Guess that's all for now.....my little brain is tired. Gonna go to bed soon....
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
in sickness and in health, always use lysol
My hands are so dry and cracked from using hand sanitizer and washing them...seriously, they're ugly...i think if i went to get a manicure, the people would probably say awful things about me in Vietnamese (or whatever language it is). Thank God for Curel hand lotion.
Jake has been suffering from this stomach thing....i don't know if it's a bug...he came home last night complaining of "indegestion" and a couple of nights before that (Valentine's Day,) he was running a slight fever and had body aches. I thought the worst of it was behind us until he started throwing up last night. *Special note: for those who don't know me, being around ANYONE who gets sick sends me into a panic state.* welcome to my life- i'm terrified of throwing up....or at least that's what it is on the surface. so perhaps this turns out to be pretty monumental in helping me get past this fear of being sick. i'm such a good wife, the minute my husband is sick, i'm considering how fast i can get away. geez. (i can't wait 'til we have kids). anyway, i eventally calmed myself down and finally convinced myself that i wasn't feeling sick too, and things were okay. he came out of the bathroom as if nothing remotely bad or repulsive had just happened and continued to watch TV. *me= amazed* the world didn't end. (i know this deep down inside but for whatever reason, it elicits such strong feelings). anyway, i decided to lay back on our bed and read while he watched "the departed," (a movie i probably couldn't handle on a normal stomach....)
today, he hasn't felt much better...i feel so bad for him because there's really nothing i can do to make him feel better. everything he eats causes his stomach to hurt, but he doesn't feel sick. he's convinced that it was something he ate earlier (i hope it wasn't the Valentine's meal i cooked for him...) i want to be convinced of that too. in fact, that's what i keep telling myself. i don't want to think it's some sort of bug because that could mean i'm next.
dun-dun-DUNNN....
anyway, enough of my antics....i hate feeling helpless. maybe watching a couple of good movies will take both of our minds off of things. so that's what we're going to do...
Jake has been suffering from this stomach thing....i don't know if it's a bug...he came home last night complaining of "indegestion" and a couple of nights before that (Valentine's Day,) he was running a slight fever and had body aches. I thought the worst of it was behind us until he started throwing up last night. *Special note: for those who don't know me, being around ANYONE who gets sick sends me into a panic state.* welcome to my life- i'm terrified of throwing up....or at least that's what it is on the surface. so perhaps this turns out to be pretty monumental in helping me get past this fear of being sick. i'm such a good wife, the minute my husband is sick, i'm considering how fast i can get away. geez. (i can't wait 'til we have kids). anyway, i eventally calmed myself down and finally convinced myself that i wasn't feeling sick too, and things were okay. he came out of the bathroom as if nothing remotely bad or repulsive had just happened and continued to watch TV. *me= amazed* the world didn't end. (i know this deep down inside but for whatever reason, it elicits such strong feelings). anyway, i decided to lay back on our bed and read while he watched "the departed," (a movie i probably couldn't handle on a normal stomach....)
today, he hasn't felt much better...i feel so bad for him because there's really nothing i can do to make him feel better. everything he eats causes his stomach to hurt, but he doesn't feel sick. he's convinced that it was something he ate earlier (i hope it wasn't the Valentine's meal i cooked for him...) i want to be convinced of that too. in fact, that's what i keep telling myself. i don't want to think it's some sort of bug because that could mean i'm next.
dun-dun-DUNNN....
anyway, enough of my antics....i hate feeling helpless. maybe watching a couple of good movies will take both of our minds off of things. so that's what we're going to do...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
a bad movie doesn't mean a bad day
so this has really been a great Valentine's Day....
i still have what i like to call the "wow, i'm really married" moments...like when i go to the "husband' section of Valentine's cards at Hallmark...it's crazy. In a good way. =)
Jake and I are watching a movie called "Facing the Giants." Apparently it was produced by some church in Georgia and the associate pastor is the head football coach. I'm blogging right now because i've given up on watching it. It's so saccharine and cheesy....like they're trying too hard to mimic "Remember the Titans" but with a "holy" spin on it. It could be that i had a little too much wine tonight at dinner....or it could be that the acting wasn't even as good as the worst Lifetime Original Movie i've seen....either way, i laughed my way through most of it.
In my head, i'm saying, "It's an f***in field goal....just kick it and stop talking about God." (*waiting for the lightening bolt*) But seriously, it's too much. When the wife tells the husband she's pregnant after years of infertility...she says, and i quote..."You've just joined the Daddy team." What the hell....Jake and i both just sat and laughed. I'm pretty sure when i find out i'm pregnant, i'm not going to tell Jake that he's just joined the "Daddy team." Or call my mom and tell her she just joined the "grandma team." So dumb. I would NOT recommend this movie. Unless you've had a couple of glasses of wine, and then you can just sit and make fun of it like i just did.
But other than this movie...today was a great day ending with roses and calla lilies, a sweet card, chocolate and a giant monkey balloon (that Slider is apparently terrified of- i just chased him all over the house with it). Dinner turned out great too. i think i may be getting the hang of this cooking thing...llok out Emeril. (riiiight.)
i still have what i like to call the "wow, i'm really married" moments...like when i go to the "husband' section of Valentine's cards at Hallmark...it's crazy. In a good way. =)
Jake and I are watching a movie called "Facing the Giants." Apparently it was produced by some church in Georgia and the associate pastor is the head football coach. I'm blogging right now because i've given up on watching it. It's so saccharine and cheesy....like they're trying too hard to mimic "Remember the Titans" but with a "holy" spin on it. It could be that i had a little too much wine tonight at dinner....or it could be that the acting wasn't even as good as the worst Lifetime Original Movie i've seen....either way, i laughed my way through most of it.
In my head, i'm saying, "It's an f***in field goal....just kick it and stop talking about God." (*waiting for the lightening bolt*) But seriously, it's too much. When the wife tells the husband she's pregnant after years of infertility...she says, and i quote..."You've just joined the Daddy team." What the hell....Jake and i both just sat and laughed. I'm pretty sure when i find out i'm pregnant, i'm not going to tell Jake that he's just joined the "Daddy team." Or call my mom and tell her she just joined the "grandma team." So dumb. I would NOT recommend this movie. Unless you've had a couple of glasses of wine, and then you can just sit and make fun of it like i just did.
But other than this movie...today was a great day ending with roses and calla lilies, a sweet card, chocolate and a giant monkey balloon (that Slider is apparently terrified of- i just chased him all over the house with it). Dinner turned out great too. i think i may be getting the hang of this cooking thing...llok out Emeril. (riiiight.)
Monday, February 12, 2007
no more "shoulds"
I love waking up to a rainy Saturday morning when i don't have anywhere to be and i can just lie there and sleep. And i love taking the occasional nap on a rainy afternoon. But i think i'm beginning to resent the rain a little more and more each time it's supposed to be in some other form....i.e. snow, sleet, ice. Whatever- I'll take it, just as long as it's not MORE rain. You'd think we're living in Florida.
Enough about the stupid weather here. The last couple of days- make that the last week- has been really rough. I'm still dealing with anxiety and just an overall sense that i'm not myself. I want to try to be happy. I have every reason in the world to BE happy- i have a wonderful husband and a cozy house, and a very loving lap-kitty. I have wonderful friends who, even though they don't understand totally what's going on with me, have been really supportive and have reached out to me. But it's been so difficult. Life always seems to throw curve balls at the worst possible times. (I guess if they eren't the worst times, maybe we wouldn't call them "curve balls...)
So i've really struggled with the "shoulds" (as my therapist calls them). i SHOULD be enjoying life as a newlywed because it flies by so fast...i SHOULD be able to go out and eat in a restaurant without feeling panicky...i SHOULD be a better wife/friend/daughter/piano teacher....i SHOULD be able to just "snap out of it." And those "shoulds" are what always seems to make me feel like i'm pinned down, when in reality, i'm not. It's like i've been serving myself these steaming hot plates of guilt ever since i started having these panic attacks. So this week, i've really tried to let go of the "shoulds." Those who know me well know that i love drama- or for whatever reason, it loves me and i can't escape it. I thought marriage would ease the "drama factor" but i was SO wrong. Don't get me wrong, being married to Jake is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but there's always drama.
The drama for me now is that i've operated under "SHOULDS" for so much of my life that being able to actually live life free from guilt and expectation is scary. As i was growing up, i somehow ended up convincing myself that i SHOULD be able to handle any problem on my own. I never talked to my parents about things that bothered me...i just waited for them to resolve themselves. I would usually talk to my friends...mostly about boy drama, (and do i have some stories....) but lots of times, i would still keep certain things to myself. Fears, especially. I consider some of my friendships to be some of the most deep and significant relationships i have, aside from Jake, but i would always feel like i could handle most issues better on my own. Maybe in other words, I wouldn't let anyone get too close.
And now i'm married. And it's not about living under the same roof with someone and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. I'm convinced that some people can be married for years without really knowing the person they're married to. When the honeymoon is over (such as it is) you fall back into your daily schedules and routines and get comfortable. Life takes on a different shape and perspective- a good thing, but sometimes a very tough thing- and both people adapt and carry on. You can marry a person and not really let them in. I've been trying to play that game for 6 months now. There's enough in this world to keep both sides occupied and if you're like me, you can put on a really great poker face until whatever it is that's bothering/hurting you goes away. But that can only go on for so long- for some people, it cold be years. Not for me. I'm learning so much everyday about what it means to be married and last night i learned that i can't NOT let Jake in. Not if this marriage is built on truth and everything we vowed to each other last summer. I have to learn to let him into everything about me: my past, my dreams, my fears, and especially into my pain.
Last night, i felt sick (again) and began to be afraid that i would throw up. I got up from the dinner table and Jake tried to coax me to sit back down but i had already worked myself up so much, i was looking for anything and everything that would make the feeling go away: lately it's been Ginger Ale, or Altoids. As soon as i had them in my hands he took them away and then i felt the huge rush of adrenaline, felt my heart beating rapidly, my throat tightening and thought that at any second i was going to spew. And then i felt angry- like a child who had just had their favorite toy taken away. So i just stood there and cried (and i don't mean the quiet tears trickling down my cheek). I mean wailing and sobbing- the "ugly" crying. Crying out of fear, out of anger, out of feeling really helpless....but at the same time, wanting to fight all of the anxiety that was in me. It's literally been a battle with my own mind, a battle with my own body.
Last night i learned that i can fight back and still be scared. I learned it's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit when you are. More importantly, i learned what it really means to let someone (Jake) into my pain. I know i'm not fighting any of this alone, but it's another thing to actually cry out for help. All because i believed for so many years that i "should" be able to get through tough things on my own. Can you say "idiot??" Pain is something i think we all want to be able to hide from other people, even our closest friends, but we're just not meant to. God's still working on me with that- helping me to understand what it means to be vulnerable...and i'm getting there. For me, it's so much harder to be vulnerable in front of the people i love most versus total strangers. God only knows why. Maybe it "should" be the other way around, but it isn't, and i have to accept that. Like i said, I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds.."
Enough about the stupid weather here. The last couple of days- make that the last week- has been really rough. I'm still dealing with anxiety and just an overall sense that i'm not myself. I want to try to be happy. I have every reason in the world to BE happy- i have a wonderful husband and a cozy house, and a very loving lap-kitty. I have wonderful friends who, even though they don't understand totally what's going on with me, have been really supportive and have reached out to me. But it's been so difficult. Life always seems to throw curve balls at the worst possible times. (I guess if they eren't the worst times, maybe we wouldn't call them "curve balls...)
So i've really struggled with the "shoulds" (as my therapist calls them). i SHOULD be enjoying life as a newlywed because it flies by so fast...i SHOULD be able to go out and eat in a restaurant without feeling panicky...i SHOULD be a better wife/friend/daughter/piano teacher....i SHOULD be able to just "snap out of it." And those "shoulds" are what always seems to make me feel like i'm pinned down, when in reality, i'm not. It's like i've been serving myself these steaming hot plates of guilt ever since i started having these panic attacks. So this week, i've really tried to let go of the "shoulds." Those who know me well know that i love drama- or for whatever reason, it loves me and i can't escape it. I thought marriage would ease the "drama factor" but i was SO wrong. Don't get me wrong, being married to Jake is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but there's always drama.
The drama for me now is that i've operated under "SHOULDS" for so much of my life that being able to actually live life free from guilt and expectation is scary. As i was growing up, i somehow ended up convincing myself that i SHOULD be able to handle any problem on my own. I never talked to my parents about things that bothered me...i just waited for them to resolve themselves. I would usually talk to my friends...mostly about boy drama, (and do i have some stories....) but lots of times, i would still keep certain things to myself. Fears, especially. I consider some of my friendships to be some of the most deep and significant relationships i have, aside from Jake, but i would always feel like i could handle most issues better on my own. Maybe in other words, I wouldn't let anyone get too close.
And now i'm married. And it's not about living under the same roof with someone and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. I'm convinced that some people can be married for years without really knowing the person they're married to. When the honeymoon is over (such as it is) you fall back into your daily schedules and routines and get comfortable. Life takes on a different shape and perspective- a good thing, but sometimes a very tough thing- and both people adapt and carry on. You can marry a person and not really let them in. I've been trying to play that game for 6 months now. There's enough in this world to keep both sides occupied and if you're like me, you can put on a really great poker face until whatever it is that's bothering/hurting you goes away. But that can only go on for so long- for some people, it cold be years. Not for me. I'm learning so much everyday about what it means to be married and last night i learned that i can't NOT let Jake in. Not if this marriage is built on truth and everything we vowed to each other last summer. I have to learn to let him into everything about me: my past, my dreams, my fears, and especially into my pain.
Last night, i felt sick (again) and began to be afraid that i would throw up. I got up from the dinner table and Jake tried to coax me to sit back down but i had already worked myself up so much, i was looking for anything and everything that would make the feeling go away: lately it's been Ginger Ale, or Altoids. As soon as i had them in my hands he took them away and then i felt the huge rush of adrenaline, felt my heart beating rapidly, my throat tightening and thought that at any second i was going to spew. And then i felt angry- like a child who had just had their favorite toy taken away. So i just stood there and cried (and i don't mean the quiet tears trickling down my cheek). I mean wailing and sobbing- the "ugly" crying. Crying out of fear, out of anger, out of feeling really helpless....but at the same time, wanting to fight all of the anxiety that was in me. It's literally been a battle with my own mind, a battle with my own body.
Last night i learned that i can fight back and still be scared. I learned it's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit when you are. More importantly, i learned what it really means to let someone (Jake) into my pain. I know i'm not fighting any of this alone, but it's another thing to actually cry out for help. All because i believed for so many years that i "should" be able to get through tough things on my own. Can you say "idiot??" Pain is something i think we all want to be able to hide from other people, even our closest friends, but we're just not meant to. God's still working on me with that- helping me to understand what it means to be vulnerable...and i'm getting there. For me, it's so much harder to be vulnerable in front of the people i love most versus total strangers. God only knows why. Maybe it "should" be the other way around, but it isn't, and i have to accept that. Like i said, I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds.."
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
