no more "shoulds"

I love waking up to a rainy Saturday morning when i don't have anywhere to be and i can just lie there and sleep. And i love taking the occasional nap on a rainy afternoon. But i think i'm beginning to resent the rain a little more and more each time it's supposed to be in some other form....i.e. snow, sleet, ice. Whatever- I'll take it, just as long as it's not MORE rain. You'd think we're living in Florida.
Enough about the stupid weather here. The last couple of days- make that the last week- has been really rough. I'm still dealing with anxiety and just an overall sense that i'm not myself. I want to try to be happy. I have every reason in the world to BE happy- i have a wonderful husband and a cozy house, and a very loving lap-kitty. I have wonderful friends who, even though they don't understand totally what's going on with me, have been really supportive and have reached out to me. But it's been so difficult. Life always seems to throw curve balls at the worst possible times. (I guess if they eren't the worst times, maybe we wouldn't call them "curve balls...)
So i've really struggled with the "shoulds" (as my therapist calls them). i SHOULD be enjoying life as a newlywed because it flies by so fast...i SHOULD be able to go out and eat in a restaurant without feeling panicky...i SHOULD be a better wife/friend/daughter/piano teacher....i SHOULD be able to just "snap out of it." And those "shoulds" are what always seems to make me feel like i'm pinned down, when in reality, i'm not. It's like i've been serving myself these steaming hot plates of guilt ever since i started having these panic attacks. So this week, i've really tried to let go of the "shoulds." Those who know me well know that i love drama- or for whatever reason, it loves me and i can't escape it. I thought marriage would ease the "drama factor" but i was SO wrong. Don't get me wrong, being married to Jake is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but there's always drama.
The drama for me now is that i've operated under "SHOULDS" for so much of my life that being able to actually live life free from guilt and expectation is scary. As i was growing up, i somehow ended up convincing myself that i SHOULD be able to handle any problem on my own. I never talked to my parents about things that bothered me...i just waited for them to resolve themselves. I would usually talk to my friends...mostly about boy drama, (and do i have some stories....) but lots of times, i would still keep certain things to myself. Fears, especially. I consider some of my friendships to be some of the most deep and significant relationships i have, aside from Jake, but i would always feel like i could handle most issues better on my own. Maybe in other words, I wouldn't let anyone get too close.
And now i'm married. And it's not about living under the same roof with someone and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. I'm convinced that some people can be married for years without really knowing the person they're married to. When the honeymoon is over (such as it is) you fall back into your daily schedules and routines and get comfortable. Life takes on a different shape and perspective- a good thing, but sometimes a very tough thing- and both people adapt and carry on. You can marry a person and not really let them in. I've been trying to play that game for 6 months now. There's enough in this world to keep both sides occupied and if you're like me, you can put on a really great poker face until whatever it is that's bothering/hurting you goes away. But that can only go on for so long- for some people, it cold be years. Not for me. I'm learning so much everyday about what it means to be married and last night i learned that i can't NOT let Jake in. Not if this marriage is built on truth and everything we vowed to each other last summer. I have to learn to let him into everything about me: my past, my dreams, my fears, and especially into my pain.
Last night, i felt sick (again) and began to be afraid that i would throw up. I got up from the dinner table and Jake tried to coax me to sit back down but i had already worked myself up so much, i was looking for anything and everything that would make the feeling go away: lately it's been Ginger Ale, or Altoids. As soon as i had them in my hands he took them away and then i felt the huge rush of adrenaline, felt my heart beating rapidly, my throat tightening and thought that at any second i was going to spew. And then i felt angry- like a child who had just had their favorite toy taken away. So i just stood there and cried (and i don't mean the quiet tears trickling down my cheek). I mean wailing and sobbing- the "ugly" crying. Crying out of fear, out of anger, out of feeling really helpless....but at the same time, wanting to fight all of the anxiety that was in me. It's literally been a battle with my own mind, a battle with my own body.
Last night i learned that i can fight back and still be scared. I learned it's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit when you are. More importantly, i learned what it really means to let someone (Jake) into my pain. I know i'm not fighting any of this alone, but it's another thing to actually cry out for help. All because i believed for so many years that i "should" be able to get through tough things on my own. Can you say "idiot??" Pain is something i think we all want to be able to hide from other people, even our closest friends, but we're just not meant to. God's still working on me with that- helping me to understand what it means to be vulnerable...and i'm getting there. For me, it's so much harder to be vulnerable in front of the people i love most versus total strangers. God only knows why. Maybe it "should" be the other way around, but it isn't, and i have to accept that. Like i said, I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds.."