So it's Wednesday and the week is halfway through- thank God for that. This week was really special since i woke up with the mother of all bladder infections on Monday. So back to the doctor i went (and i HATE going). This would be the second time i've peed in a cup in a week. As opposed to other weeks when....well, i guess i don't really pee in cups unless i'm at the doctors office and they want me to. Just in case you were wondering. (And if you were sitting there wondering something like that, i'm worried about you). So i'm now taking Cipro, (the same antibiotics they prescribed to people who were exposed to Anthrax a few years ago- very strong) and it's totally screwing up my stomach. That, along with various other meds...i swear i'm like an old person who carries around their "pill-organizer" pack (Mon, Tues, Wed, etc). I can't wait to see how i'll be when i'm 80, and i only hope i'm lucky enough to live that long.
Then last night, Jake and i were in the mood for tacos (and i never crave mexican food), so we made them and devoured them like no one's business. Less than an hour later, i'm curled up in our bed with THE worst stomach cramps, gas, bloating, cold sweat and later on, nausea. This lasted until about 3 this morning when i was finally able to go to sleep. GEEZ. I swear i will NEVER eat tacos again (or any mexican food for that matter...that was either a very mild case of food poisoning (which i doubt, because Jake wasn't sick) or the WORST indigestion i have ever had. No more. I'm closing the chapter for good on this one. "Yo quiero Gas-X" is all i have to say. Even today, i munched on dry toast, crackers and chicken noodle soup because my stomach still wasn't quite right. Although it did feel well enough later to eat oreos, so i guess i wasn't that bad off. Chocolate is always in style. Unfortunately, these were the regular oreos in the blue and white package...not the Spring Oreos or Double Stuff, which i've made a habit of eating rather than the regular ones since, i don't know, they came out with them. (And by the way, don't bother with the reduced fat ones....they're disgusting...you might as well eat a piece of cardboard). I had asked Jake to pick up something chocolate for me at the store when he went on the taco ingredient trip last night, and i'm so grateful that he knows me well enough to not get me chocolate pudding. Anyway, my point is...given the choice between no oreos and the very-thin-almost-no-cream-in-the-middle-cookie-falls-apart-when-you-dip-it-in-the-milk oreos, i would choose the latter. But they pale in comparison to the double stuff oreos. Sometimes a girl just wants a little bit more in the middle. (ironically though, only when it comes to these cookies).
I told you this would be random...
Monday, March 19, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
If Jimmy Crack's Corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
This is actually a good question....i hated having to do that song with my students when i was doing my student teaching, but the thought never ocurred to me why we would actually sing about something that clearly NO ONE cared about.
And how do you crack corn anyway?? *puzzled*
Unfortunately, at the school where i taught, most of my students could have related better to "crack" as in "Jimmy Smokes Crack and I Don't Care."
I've only had one glass of wine at this point, by the way....but thanks to Xanax (refer to earlier blog) i'm feeling a nice little buzz. (and the onset of a headache....)
On to other topics that are probably a bit more coherent...(and serious)
Charles's funeral is this Sunday. It's still really hard to believe. And (as shallow as this is going sound) I have no idea what to wear. Is wearing all black too much? Maybe that's standard protocol...but i really can't remember the last time i've been to a funeral. And this is Charles we're talking about. I can't think of a better person to fuss over an outfit for, seriously...i want to look good in honor of him. If i wear all black, i feel like i should at least stick a bright flower in my hair or something like that because Charles to me is just that- this bright ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is really not important, but i feel like, in a strange way, this is my last "tribute" to my friend. Maybe i should do a little shopping tomorrow...i can always be talked into that (or talk myself into it).
These last 2 weeks have seemed more like 2 years. I'm trying to go on and live life. Oddly enough, my anxiety has been a lot better. Probably because ever since Kara called me 2 weeks ago to tell me about Charles, i've realized how precious and unpredictable life is. Sure, I still have my moments....like tonight when Jake and I went to dinner and the restaurant was a bit more crowded than i liked...and we ended up eating our salad but then getting our pizza to go. There are still those times when i feel the panic start to get the best of me, but having been confronted with events of the past week, i've found it less threatening and therefore easier to fight back. I know it's not a coincidence.
I just wish to God that there could have been a different way for me to be able to come to terms with things...
And how do you crack corn anyway?? *puzzled*
Unfortunately, at the school where i taught, most of my students could have related better to "crack" as in "Jimmy Smokes Crack and I Don't Care."
I've only had one glass of wine at this point, by the way....but thanks to Xanax (refer to earlier blog) i'm feeling a nice little buzz. (and the onset of a headache....)
On to other topics that are probably a bit more coherent...(and serious)
Charles's funeral is this Sunday. It's still really hard to believe. And (as shallow as this is going sound) I have no idea what to wear. Is wearing all black too much? Maybe that's standard protocol...but i really can't remember the last time i've been to a funeral. And this is Charles we're talking about. I can't think of a better person to fuss over an outfit for, seriously...i want to look good in honor of him. If i wear all black, i feel like i should at least stick a bright flower in my hair or something like that because Charles to me is just that- this bright ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is really not important, but i feel like, in a strange way, this is my last "tribute" to my friend. Maybe i should do a little shopping tomorrow...i can always be talked into that (or talk myself into it).
These last 2 weeks have seemed more like 2 years. I'm trying to go on and live life. Oddly enough, my anxiety has been a lot better. Probably because ever since Kara called me 2 weeks ago to tell me about Charles, i've realized how precious and unpredictable life is. Sure, I still have my moments....like tonight when Jake and I went to dinner and the restaurant was a bit more crowded than i liked...and we ended up eating our salad but then getting our pizza to go. There are still those times when i feel the panic start to get the best of me, but having been confronted with events of the past week, i've found it less threatening and therefore easier to fight back. I know it's not a coincidence.
I just wish to God that there could have been a different way for me to be able to come to terms with things...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Marie's Father Has 5 Daughters...
....So i went to my favorite Starbucks today. (actually, they're all my favorites, but i've gotten to know the guys who work at this particular store, and sometimes they'll hook me up). ;) Apparently, they've just started doing a "riddle board" where the baristas put up a riddle or brain-teaser each day. If the customer gets the correct answer, they get a free tall coffee. (*great marketing*)
So there i am....getting ready to order my iced-grande-one-pump-classic-americano(with room for cream) ....and yes, i said it in that order because i'm very well acquainted with Starbucks jargon. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is to hear someone in front of me say..."i just want a medium coffee." *jaw drops* Good Lord, if that's what they want, they should just go to 7-11...seriously, if you're willing to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you better damn well know how to order it. Anyway, i digress. So back to the riddle...
After i had ordered my drink, the girl behind the counter asked me if i could figure out the riddle. There were several people standing nearby (oddly enough, all guys). And here was the riddle:
"Marie's father has 5 daughters:
Cha-Cha
Che-Che
Chi-Chi
Cho-Cho
What is his 5th daughter's name?"
So there i stood. And then suddenly, i knew the answer. At which point, i brilliantly (and rather loudly, i might add) exclaimed "Chu-Chu" (a,e,i,o....so i reasoned 'u' would be next.) I didn't even want the free tall coffee, but i was gonna give myself a pat on the back. But no. The baristas started laughing and were like, "that's what everyone has said, but nope." (Thank God i wasn't the only one...) So then i continued to stand there with a dumb look on my face, realizing that this "riddle board" was really nothing more than a way for baristas to poke fun at customers like myself, therefore making their shifts go by that much faster). *very clever of them* If you're reading this, chances are, you've probably figured out the answer to the riddle already, and i would prefer not to know if you have because it definitely took me a good 2 minutes to realize what it was. A very long 2 minutes.
And the answer is....*drum roll please*.....MARIE. (duh).
It definitely gave me a good laugh (but probably not as much as the people working behind the counter.) And i did overhear some of the other customers who came in after me say the same thing, which made me feel better.
I know that somewhere underneath the various shades that i've colored my hair are very blonde roots. I guess you would have had to have been there....but make no mistake, i'm SO going to get the answer to tomorrow's riddle (and hopefully not make an ass of myself this time...) =)
So there i am....getting ready to order my iced-grande-one-pump-classic-americano(with room for cream) ....and yes, i said it in that order because i'm very well acquainted with Starbucks jargon. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is to hear someone in front of me say..."i just want a medium coffee." *jaw drops* Good Lord, if that's what they want, they should just go to 7-11...seriously, if you're willing to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you better damn well know how to order it. Anyway, i digress. So back to the riddle...
After i had ordered my drink, the girl behind the counter asked me if i could figure out the riddle. There were several people standing nearby (oddly enough, all guys). And here was the riddle:
"Marie's father has 5 daughters:
Cha-Cha
Che-Che
Chi-Chi
Cho-Cho
What is his 5th daughter's name?"
So there i stood. And then suddenly, i knew the answer. At which point, i brilliantly (and rather loudly, i might add) exclaimed "Chu-Chu" (a,e,i,o....so i reasoned 'u' would be next.) I didn't even want the free tall coffee, but i was gonna give myself a pat on the back. But no. The baristas started laughing and were like, "that's what everyone has said, but nope." (Thank God i wasn't the only one...) So then i continued to stand there with a dumb look on my face, realizing that this "riddle board" was really nothing more than a way for baristas to poke fun at customers like myself, therefore making their shifts go by that much faster). *very clever of them* If you're reading this, chances are, you've probably figured out the answer to the riddle already, and i would prefer not to know if you have because it definitely took me a good 2 minutes to realize what it was. A very long 2 minutes.
And the answer is....*drum roll please*.....MARIE. (duh).
It definitely gave me a good laugh (but probably not as much as the people working behind the counter.) And i did overhear some of the other customers who came in after me say the same thing, which made me feel better.
I know that somewhere underneath the various shades that i've colored my hair are very blonde roots. I guess you would have had to have been there....but make no mistake, i'm SO going to get the answer to tomorrow's riddle (and hopefully not make an ass of myself this time...) =)
Friday, March 9, 2007
Xanax and Wine don't mix so well
but God bless the grape anyway....i'm still going to have a glass or two every now and then. and when i say now and then, i mean 2 or 3 times a week. and tonight too. i've decided this glass of red wine is in honor of Charles- when we went out, he always knew the right wine to order. i trusted his expertise. but i don't have the kind of buzz that makes you giddy like i usually would have. right now, i feel like i could go to bed and sleep for days. ehhh...at least tomorrow is Saturday.
i'm still in shock over Charles. the other night, i looked through my phone list and there was his name- it had been there for years. I realized that i hadn't actually talked to him on the phone in forever. then i didn something rather crazy and called his number...just to see if i could hear his voice one more time. *then another crying episode* (what did i expect though, really?) i just found out that his funeral is next Sunday...i know it sounds weird, but i hate that it's more than a week away. for me, that'st just more waiting. it hasn't really begun to sink in that he's gone, and until i go to his funeral, i don't think ir really will. so until then, i'll just have to keep myself distracted, and there's really only so much i can do. it still feels like a bad dream- i can still pretend in my mind that it didn't really happen. maybe it's easier for me to do that because we didn't keep in close contact after i got married- just a few conversations on the computer...it's easy for me to think that he's still around and i could just call him anytime. it hurts every time i remind myself that that isn't the case anymore.
it's a scary thing to try and come to terms with your own mortality. and i think that's what happens when someone you're close to dies. it forces you to face the inevitable. on one side, you're torn to pieces because you've just lost someone you love, and on the other side, you're mind is trying to grasp the fact that your life (or death) is just as unpredictable. i've been lost in my thoughts a lot this week...maybe that's a good thing, but maybe not. it is what it is.
so today i've had 2 xanax already (only .5 mg)- the stuff is pretty potent. i'm only supposed to use up to 3 pills a day, which isn't a very high dosage, according to my psychiatrist. i think i've maxed out my usage every day this week because of the kind of week it's been.
i have to admit...xanax has a great numbing effect when you need it. it get's in your bloodstream in about 15 minutes and lasts for about 6 hours. (Equal to about 3 glasses of wine but without the residual headache). this week, i've realized there's no amount of xanax (or any other pill, for that matter) that can numb me to the point of not feeling this loss and i don't think we're supposed to numb ourselves anyway. even if that's our first reaction or instinct. we're supposed to hurt, cry, feel pain, feel overwhelmed with panic (even at the most random times, like in my case) and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. of course, when things like that begin to interfere with everyday life, something's gotta give, and that's where it all began for me.
needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the day when i don't have to take these meds, or feel like i rely on them to get me through weeks like this, much less to get through what i would consider to be a "normal" day. maybe then i can go back to being the Kristin that could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and still be on my feet(and damn proud of it, too).
for now, i'm just sitting here on my couch in a daze, but it's ok.....it's Friday night and i have nowhere to be. i think i'm going to play solitaire or watch Talk Soup and let my mind go on "auto pilot"- probably for the first time since Monday. *sigh*
i'm still in shock over Charles. the other night, i looked through my phone list and there was his name- it had been there for years. I realized that i hadn't actually talked to him on the phone in forever. then i didn something rather crazy and called his number...just to see if i could hear his voice one more time. *then another crying episode* (what did i expect though, really?) i just found out that his funeral is next Sunday...i know it sounds weird, but i hate that it's more than a week away. for me, that'st just more waiting. it hasn't really begun to sink in that he's gone, and until i go to his funeral, i don't think ir really will. so until then, i'll just have to keep myself distracted, and there's really only so much i can do. it still feels like a bad dream- i can still pretend in my mind that it didn't really happen. maybe it's easier for me to do that because we didn't keep in close contact after i got married- just a few conversations on the computer...it's easy for me to think that he's still around and i could just call him anytime. it hurts every time i remind myself that that isn't the case anymore.
it's a scary thing to try and come to terms with your own mortality. and i think that's what happens when someone you're close to dies. it forces you to face the inevitable. on one side, you're torn to pieces because you've just lost someone you love, and on the other side, you're mind is trying to grasp the fact that your life (or death) is just as unpredictable. i've been lost in my thoughts a lot this week...maybe that's a good thing, but maybe not. it is what it is.
so today i've had 2 xanax already (only .5 mg)- the stuff is pretty potent. i'm only supposed to use up to 3 pills a day, which isn't a very high dosage, according to my psychiatrist. i think i've maxed out my usage every day this week because of the kind of week it's been.
i have to admit...xanax has a great numbing effect when you need it. it get's in your bloodstream in about 15 minutes and lasts for about 6 hours. (Equal to about 3 glasses of wine but without the residual headache). this week, i've realized there's no amount of xanax (or any other pill, for that matter) that can numb me to the point of not feeling this loss and i don't think we're supposed to numb ourselves anyway. even if that's our first reaction or instinct. we're supposed to hurt, cry, feel pain, feel overwhelmed with panic (even at the most random times, like in my case) and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. of course, when things like that begin to interfere with everyday life, something's gotta give, and that's where it all began for me.
needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the day when i don't have to take these meds, or feel like i rely on them to get me through weeks like this, much less to get through what i would consider to be a "normal" day. maybe then i can go back to being the Kristin that could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and still be on my feet(and damn proud of it, too).
for now, i'm just sitting here on my couch in a daze, but it's ok.....it's Friday night and i have nowhere to be. i think i'm going to play solitaire or watch Talk Soup and let my mind go on "auto pilot"- probably for the first time since Monday. *sigh*
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Charles
I'm sitting here on my couch in a daze. my contacts are sticking to my eyes and my body is so tired, but i just can't sleep right now. my head is throbbing- the kind of headache you get after you've cried really hard for a period of time. Yesterday i sat and wrote about how i was in a "funk," how i couldn't figure out how i was supposed to live my life...how i just felt this heaviness yesterday and i couldn't put my finger on what it was. i had no idea what was coming...
last night, a 5 minute phone call changed everything. i was told that my friend Charles, who was diagnosed with aplastic anemia last year, was not going to "make it." i didn't need more clarification, but i asked anyway- "you mean he's going to die..."
"Yes." and suddenly, nothing i worried about yesterday seemed to matter anymore.
7 months ago, he was at my rehearsal dinner and wedding, 2 months ago, he received a transplant and was doing fine. 2 weeks ago, i was told he was in ICU in a medically-induced coma to help him fight off an infection. his body started rejecting the treatments and things went from bad to worse. 24 hours ago, Charles was still alive in the sense that he was lying in a hospital bed, breathing only with the help of a machine. but that's not really living. and that's definitely not who Charles was. he wouldn't have wanted to go on that way, and his closest friends knew that. 7 hours ago, they decided to take him off of life support. his vital organs had already shut down. i drove around for a long time today- no where in particular. and all i could pray was that God would take him quickly. i wanted the waiting to be overe and i just wanted him to be okay again. so i waited for a phone call that i never in my life imagined i would have to wait for. 4 hours ago, i heard my phone ring but i just couldn't pick it up. i knew before i answered that he was gone. i still can't get my head around it. and my heart is gonna hurt for a while. someday soon, i hope, the tears will be replaced by smiles and laughter as i reflect on a friend that God gave me the privilege of knowing, even if it was for this short time. he was an amazing soul.
i wrote him a letter today because there were things i needed to say- things i wanted him to know. (i think he probably does). i thought i would share it anyway though...so here you go.
Dear Charles,
I just found out that they took you off life support. I didn’t go to the hospital this morning with Kara and Rebecca. I couldn’t do it. I’m picturing you in my mind the way you looked the last time I saw you- at our wedding. That’s how I’ll remember you- this ray of sunshine. Kara and Rebecca told me that they didn’t feel like they really saw you today- like it was someone else. I don’t think I could have seen you look like that- I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw you. But I do have some things I want to say- I’ve had all of these thoughts and memories swirling around in my head since Kara called me last night. You won’t ever read this letter, but somehow, I think you’ll know about it.
I want to thank you. For being such a good friend to me. Thank you for always smiling, always seeing life on the bright side, never letting me get down on myself. Thank you for making me laugh, and always at the times when I needed to the most. Thank you for being my Valentine in 2005 and for the wonderful dinner we had at Konsta’s (and for being my pseudo-date on so many other occasions). Thanks for always looking out for me- making sure that the guys I dated were treating me right. (Usually they weren’t and if that was the case, you were one of the first to say so.) And you were always emphatic and hilarious. (i.e. “KRISTIN, uh, no….!”) I loved that about you.
Avalon will always remind me of you. Baker’s Crust will always remind me of you. I loved how you would come and sit down with me and whoever I was with and eat with us if you weren’t too busy waiting tables. And I especially appreciated the cream cheese-raspberry brownies you gave me to take home. Battle of the Sexes will never be the same again. For the record, I still think it was unfair that you were on the guys’ team, seriously…. =) And I laugh every time I think of us sitting at Nacho Mama’s, drinking margaritas and playing “big booty.” Or how about the time you took me and Rebecca to Priscilla’s and got us penis lollipops? I was so embarrassed and you were insisting that I was being ridiculous. Good times.
I loved how you boosted my ego and how you never hesitated to tell me “Kristin, your ass looks great in those jeans.” I loved how you always called me to make sure you knew how to dress when we would go out- you could never be up-staged (and of course, we wouldn’t have let you). I loved how giddy we would get after splitting a bottle of wine- usually with Rebecca and Kara. You were always such a gentleman, always paying for my dinner and God only knows how many drinks you paid for over the years. Alcohol or no alcohol, you always spoke your mind. (Although the conversations over drinks were always the best). You meant what you said and you said what you meant. Good friends do that. You were a good friend.
I remember how you were trying to calm me down at my own wedding rehearsal- (which ended up being a disaster) and how you kept telling me to “relax, everything would be alright” in your usual cheery voice, and that I would be able to look back and laugh at it later. You were right- it is funny to me now. So it’s not surprising that you wouldn’t let anyone feel sorry for you while you were sick- you took what life handed you, rolled with the punches and kept on smiling. Ironically, you were the one trying to cheer us up. That’s the kind of person you are- the kind of friend you are.
I have a feeling if you were awake and coherent, you would be saying the same thing to us now, “relax, everything’s going to be alright- don’t cry, I’m ok.” We’ve been scared, but if you’ve been, you never let on. Maybe you did that for us- or maybe you really weren’t scared. I’ve been told that there’s nothing in this life to really fear. But last night, I was so scared for you. Even though I know you couldn’t feel anything and you weren’t aware of what was going on. I was scared for you to die. I couldn’t (and still can’t) quite get my mind around it. I think I’m scared for me to die or in the very least, I’m scared of how I’m going to die. But when I think back on it, I don’t think that was something you ever feared or worried about. You enjoyed life too much to get caught up in that. I loved that about you too.
Life is a gift. Friendship is a gift. Every day that we wake up- in good health or not- is a gift. I think maybe you grasped that better than most people I know. Even now, in your own way, you’re telling us to stop sitting here and feeling sad or sorry for ourselves and get out there and live. Because that’s what you’d be doing. For me, it’s deciding to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. To stop taking so much for granted. To quit saying, “I will, when….” To take risks. To tell Jake, my mom and dad, friends and family how much I love them. Every day. Maybe even to go ahead and buy those $200 jeans (because I’m worth it….and because you would have too!)
I don’t think I ever told you how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me. I don’t think I ever told you what a wonderful person you were- how grateful I feel to have been given the chance to know you and be your friend. Why is it that we always wait until times like these to speak what’s on our hearts? Probably because we all assume that we’ll wake up tomorrow to the same world. That 24 hours- let alone just one hour, one conversation, one minute- couldn’t turn our lives- as we know them- inside out. I know I could let myself feel guilty for not saying all of these things to you, but I know that’s not how you would want me to feel. If you were sitting here, I’d start to go into my spiel, and I can already hear you say, “Kristin, PLEASE….it’s ok, I know..” (Or something to that effect).
I really hope you do know, Charles. Know that you are loved, that you will always be missed, and that you’ll never fail- even now- to make me smile or laugh when I think back on all that we were able to share. I’m so grateful that God gave me the opportunity to know you and be your friend.
I’m waiting for Kara or Rebecca to call me anytime now and tell me that you’ve let go. And I’ll cry. (So you’ll just have to deal with it). I’ll cry for all those times I had the opportunity to tell you what a great person and friend you were, but didn’t. I’ll also cry because I know that you’re finally okay. You’re not sick anymore. You’re not a body lying in a hospital bed anymore. You’ll be the Charles that I see when I close my eyes and remember: the bright eyes and huge smile I see on so many pictures from the last few years. You’ll be home.
And I know I’ll see you again….it’ll be like old times, only better.
I love you,
Kristin
last night, a 5 minute phone call changed everything. i was told that my friend Charles, who was diagnosed with aplastic anemia last year, was not going to "make it." i didn't need more clarification, but i asked anyway- "you mean he's going to die..."
"Yes." and suddenly, nothing i worried about yesterday seemed to matter anymore.
7 months ago, he was at my rehearsal dinner and wedding, 2 months ago, he received a transplant and was doing fine. 2 weeks ago, i was told he was in ICU in a medically-induced coma to help him fight off an infection. his body started rejecting the treatments and things went from bad to worse. 24 hours ago, Charles was still alive in the sense that he was lying in a hospital bed, breathing only with the help of a machine. but that's not really living. and that's definitely not who Charles was. he wouldn't have wanted to go on that way, and his closest friends knew that. 7 hours ago, they decided to take him off of life support. his vital organs had already shut down. i drove around for a long time today- no where in particular. and all i could pray was that God would take him quickly. i wanted the waiting to be overe and i just wanted him to be okay again. so i waited for a phone call that i never in my life imagined i would have to wait for. 4 hours ago, i heard my phone ring but i just couldn't pick it up. i knew before i answered that he was gone. i still can't get my head around it. and my heart is gonna hurt for a while. someday soon, i hope, the tears will be replaced by smiles and laughter as i reflect on a friend that God gave me the privilege of knowing, even if it was for this short time. he was an amazing soul.
i wrote him a letter today because there were things i needed to say- things i wanted him to know. (i think he probably does). i thought i would share it anyway though...so here you go.
Dear Charles,
I just found out that they took you off life support. I didn’t go to the hospital this morning with Kara and Rebecca. I couldn’t do it. I’m picturing you in my mind the way you looked the last time I saw you- at our wedding. That’s how I’ll remember you- this ray of sunshine. Kara and Rebecca told me that they didn’t feel like they really saw you today- like it was someone else. I don’t think I could have seen you look like that- I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw you. But I do have some things I want to say- I’ve had all of these thoughts and memories swirling around in my head since Kara called me last night. You won’t ever read this letter, but somehow, I think you’ll know about it.
I want to thank you. For being such a good friend to me. Thank you for always smiling, always seeing life on the bright side, never letting me get down on myself. Thank you for making me laugh, and always at the times when I needed to the most. Thank you for being my Valentine in 2005 and for the wonderful dinner we had at Konsta’s (and for being my pseudo-date on so many other occasions). Thanks for always looking out for me- making sure that the guys I dated were treating me right. (Usually they weren’t and if that was the case, you were one of the first to say so.) And you were always emphatic and hilarious. (i.e. “KRISTIN, uh, no….!”) I loved that about you.
Avalon will always remind me of you. Baker’s Crust will always remind me of you. I loved how you would come and sit down with me and whoever I was with and eat with us if you weren’t too busy waiting tables. And I especially appreciated the cream cheese-raspberry brownies you gave me to take home. Battle of the Sexes will never be the same again. For the record, I still think it was unfair that you were on the guys’ team, seriously…. =) And I laugh every time I think of us sitting at Nacho Mama’s, drinking margaritas and playing “big booty.” Or how about the time you took me and Rebecca to Priscilla’s and got us penis lollipops? I was so embarrassed and you were insisting that I was being ridiculous. Good times.
I loved how you boosted my ego and how you never hesitated to tell me “Kristin, your ass looks great in those jeans.” I loved how you always called me to make sure you knew how to dress when we would go out- you could never be up-staged (and of course, we wouldn’t have let you). I loved how giddy we would get after splitting a bottle of wine- usually with Rebecca and Kara. You were always such a gentleman, always paying for my dinner and God only knows how many drinks you paid for over the years. Alcohol or no alcohol, you always spoke your mind. (Although the conversations over drinks were always the best). You meant what you said and you said what you meant. Good friends do that. You were a good friend.
I remember how you were trying to calm me down at my own wedding rehearsal- (which ended up being a disaster) and how you kept telling me to “relax, everything would be alright” in your usual cheery voice, and that I would be able to look back and laugh at it later. You were right- it is funny to me now. So it’s not surprising that you wouldn’t let anyone feel sorry for you while you were sick- you took what life handed you, rolled with the punches and kept on smiling. Ironically, you were the one trying to cheer us up. That’s the kind of person you are- the kind of friend you are.
I have a feeling if you were awake and coherent, you would be saying the same thing to us now, “relax, everything’s going to be alright- don’t cry, I’m ok.” We’ve been scared, but if you’ve been, you never let on. Maybe you did that for us- or maybe you really weren’t scared. I’ve been told that there’s nothing in this life to really fear. But last night, I was so scared for you. Even though I know you couldn’t feel anything and you weren’t aware of what was going on. I was scared for you to die. I couldn’t (and still can’t) quite get my mind around it. I think I’m scared for me to die or in the very least, I’m scared of how I’m going to die. But when I think back on it, I don’t think that was something you ever feared or worried about. You enjoyed life too much to get caught up in that. I loved that about you too.
Life is a gift. Friendship is a gift. Every day that we wake up- in good health or not- is a gift. I think maybe you grasped that better than most people I know. Even now, in your own way, you’re telling us to stop sitting here and feeling sad or sorry for ourselves and get out there and live. Because that’s what you’d be doing. For me, it’s deciding to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. To stop taking so much for granted. To quit saying, “I will, when….” To take risks. To tell Jake, my mom and dad, friends and family how much I love them. Every day. Maybe even to go ahead and buy those $200 jeans (because I’m worth it….and because you would have too!)
I don’t think I ever told you how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me. I don’t think I ever told you what a wonderful person you were- how grateful I feel to have been given the chance to know you and be your friend. Why is it that we always wait until times like these to speak what’s on our hearts? Probably because we all assume that we’ll wake up tomorrow to the same world. That 24 hours- let alone just one hour, one conversation, one minute- couldn’t turn our lives- as we know them- inside out. I know I could let myself feel guilty for not saying all of these things to you, but I know that’s not how you would want me to feel. If you were sitting here, I’d start to go into my spiel, and I can already hear you say, “Kristin, PLEASE….it’s ok, I know..” (Or something to that effect).
I really hope you do know, Charles. Know that you are loved, that you will always be missed, and that you’ll never fail- even now- to make me smile or laugh when I think back on all that we were able to share. I’m so grateful that God gave me the opportunity to know you and be your friend.
I’m waiting for Kara or Rebecca to call me anytime now and tell me that you’ve let go. And I’ll cry. (So you’ll just have to deal with it). I’ll cry for all those times I had the opportunity to tell you what a great person and friend you were, but didn’t. I’ll also cry because I know that you’re finally okay. You’re not sick anymore. You’re not a body lying in a hospital bed anymore. You’ll be the Charles that I see when I close my eyes and remember: the bright eyes and huge smile I see on so many pictures from the last few years. You’ll be home.
And I know I’ll see you again….it’ll be like old times, only better.
I love you,
Kristin
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
"ehhh?"
i'm in a funk this morning....i couldn't really tell you why, because even i'm not sure. Just really emotional...which is odd, because it isn't that time of the month for me. Seriously, i think i'm going crazy sometimes.
i feel like i'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. that's what i think. it's probably not true...but i just don't feel like i'm contributing anything. i have nothing to pour myself into (other than being a wife- which is great, don't get me wrong). i teach my piano lessons which, at best, are 3-4 days a week. it's not that i don't like my students, but it's just gotten to the point where i don't really care that much. i know that's a horrible thing to think. i've been doing this now for going on six years, and i thin i'm over it. the last thing i saw myself doing after i got married was sitting at home for several hours during the day waiting for that 2 hour window when i would actually "work." i started out this fall with close to 40 students. i teach about 15 now. maybe some people would think, "must be nice." trust me, i really don't take for granted the fact that i have the choice whether to work or not- a lot of people don't. jake has been so understanding and supportive of me as i've been going through all of this. i know this is one huge way God has provided for me- i can't imagine how i would have survived any of this without him. compared to the love and emotional support he's given me, the financial part is nothing, but i'm still so grateful. i would give anything to be well enough again to have all my students back and feel like my normal self. (i use the word "normal" loosely).
maybe it's time for a career change. that's part of the problem though...right now, when i stop to think about it, there's nothing that i feel really passionate about. maybe i'll begin to feel differently once i'm out of this rough patch, but seriously, if i were to sum up my feelings in one word- especially today- it would be "ehhh?" as in, apathy. maybe a little discouraged- ok, a lot discouraged. i'm trying to keep my chin up, think good thoughts, pray...all of that, but some days are just tough. sometimes for no reason at all. and those are the days when "keep on keeping on" is my mantra. and i don't even know for what.
let's sum it up, shall we? (i'm no psychologist, but i think i know me pretty well).
i got married a little over 7 months ago. i have the life i always prayed i would have. i've also lost 25 lbs., haven't been able to eat, go out to restaurants or malls, see friends, and it's been hard enough to even get through church. (me + crowds = no good). being the social butterfly i once was, i find this to be terribly ironic. or ironically terrible, however you want to look at it. growing up, i didn't ever care what career i had- all i wanted was to be someone's wife and eventually a mom. i am jake's wife now (lucky girl that i am) but i would look jake in the eye (actually i already have) and anyone else for that matter and tell them that the last 7 months have been the toughest months i can remember going through. i wasn't prepared for any of this anxiety stuff...and there's no handbook out there telling you how to adjust to married life.
so i've gotten to be the bride and i had a beautiful wedding (if i do say so myself). but now i'm in this unfamiliar place in my life. ALL of my married friends are pregnant with either their first or second babies. actually, i take that back- carmen just had her baby yesterday! *yay!!!* so she's not preggers now, but has 2 babies. another friend of mine came up to me at church on Sunday and told me she was 7 weeks along. there must be something in the water around here. seriously. so i told jake last night that i wanted to have a baby. he looked at me like i had just sprouted a second nose. but really, i think i just want to have something to be excited about again. i DO see it for what it is. i don't really think i want a baby now- i need to get better first, and the time i have with jake right now is precious. we won't ever get it back once the kids start coming. i think it's that i see friends getting engaged and planning weddings, and then i see other friends gushing about being pregnant, and then here i am. twiddling my thumbs. wondering what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with my life and trying to figure out why i even thought things were complicated before i got married. i think some peopl would call that naievity. life changes so quickly. you go on one blind date and the next thing you know, you're walking down the aisle a little over a year later. (and when i said "you" i meant "me"- duh.)
so, i'm not trying to have a pity party (although you may not be convinced). i'm actually having other parties- a baby shower for carmen and a bridal shower for rebecca! yay!! i'm very excited for them both and so glad to be a part of life changing events like this. my perspective isn't always what it should be....but then again, no one's got it all together. (although we like to appear that we do).
i feel like i'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. that's what i think. it's probably not true...but i just don't feel like i'm contributing anything. i have nothing to pour myself into (other than being a wife- which is great, don't get me wrong). i teach my piano lessons which, at best, are 3-4 days a week. it's not that i don't like my students, but it's just gotten to the point where i don't really care that much. i know that's a horrible thing to think. i've been doing this now for going on six years, and i thin i'm over it. the last thing i saw myself doing after i got married was sitting at home for several hours during the day waiting for that 2 hour window when i would actually "work." i started out this fall with close to 40 students. i teach about 15 now. maybe some people would think, "must be nice." trust me, i really don't take for granted the fact that i have the choice whether to work or not- a lot of people don't. jake has been so understanding and supportive of me as i've been going through all of this. i know this is one huge way God has provided for me- i can't imagine how i would have survived any of this without him. compared to the love and emotional support he's given me, the financial part is nothing, but i'm still so grateful. i would give anything to be well enough again to have all my students back and feel like my normal self. (i use the word "normal" loosely).
maybe it's time for a career change. that's part of the problem though...right now, when i stop to think about it, there's nothing that i feel really passionate about. maybe i'll begin to feel differently once i'm out of this rough patch, but seriously, if i were to sum up my feelings in one word- especially today- it would be "ehhh?" as in, apathy. maybe a little discouraged- ok, a lot discouraged. i'm trying to keep my chin up, think good thoughts, pray...all of that, but some days are just tough. sometimes for no reason at all. and those are the days when "keep on keeping on" is my mantra. and i don't even know for what.
let's sum it up, shall we? (i'm no psychologist, but i think i know me pretty well).
i got married a little over 7 months ago. i have the life i always prayed i would have. i've also lost 25 lbs., haven't been able to eat, go out to restaurants or malls, see friends, and it's been hard enough to even get through church. (me + crowds = no good). being the social butterfly i once was, i find this to be terribly ironic. or ironically terrible, however you want to look at it. growing up, i didn't ever care what career i had- all i wanted was to be someone's wife and eventually a mom. i am jake's wife now (lucky girl that i am) but i would look jake in the eye (actually i already have) and anyone else for that matter and tell them that the last 7 months have been the toughest months i can remember going through. i wasn't prepared for any of this anxiety stuff...and there's no handbook out there telling you how to adjust to married life.
so i've gotten to be the bride and i had a beautiful wedding (if i do say so myself). but now i'm in this unfamiliar place in my life. ALL of my married friends are pregnant with either their first or second babies. actually, i take that back- carmen just had her baby yesterday! *yay!!!* so she's not preggers now, but has 2 babies. another friend of mine came up to me at church on Sunday and told me she was 7 weeks along. there must be something in the water around here. seriously. so i told jake last night that i wanted to have a baby. he looked at me like i had just sprouted a second nose. but really, i think i just want to have something to be excited about again. i DO see it for what it is. i don't really think i want a baby now- i need to get better first, and the time i have with jake right now is precious. we won't ever get it back once the kids start coming. i think it's that i see friends getting engaged and planning weddings, and then i see other friends gushing about being pregnant, and then here i am. twiddling my thumbs. wondering what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with my life and trying to figure out why i even thought things were complicated before i got married. i think some peopl would call that naievity. life changes so quickly. you go on one blind date and the next thing you know, you're walking down the aisle a little over a year later. (and when i said "you" i meant "me"- duh.)
so, i'm not trying to have a pity party (although you may not be convinced). i'm actually having other parties- a baby shower for carmen and a bridal shower for rebecca! yay!! i'm very excited for them both and so glad to be a part of life changing events like this. my perspective isn't always what it should be....but then again, no one's got it all together. (although we like to appear that we do).
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