Xanax and Wine don't mix so well

but God bless the grape anyway....i'm still going to have a glass or two every now and then. and when i say now and then, i mean 2 or 3 times a week. and tonight too. i've decided this glass of red wine is in honor of Charles- when we went out, he always knew the right wine to order. i trusted his expertise. but i don't have the kind of buzz that makes you giddy like i usually would have. right now, i feel like i could go to bed and sleep for days. ehhh...at least tomorrow is Saturday.
i'm still in shock over Charles. the other night, i looked through my phone list and there was his name- it had been there for years. I realized that i hadn't actually talked to him on the phone in forever. then i didn something rather crazy and called his number...just to see if i could hear his voice one more time. *then another crying episode* (what did i expect though, really?) i just found out that his funeral is next Sunday...i know it sounds weird, but i hate that it's more than a week away. for me, that'st just more waiting. it hasn't really begun to sink in that he's gone, and until i go to his funeral, i don't think ir really will. so until then, i'll just have to keep myself distracted, and there's really only so much i can do. it still feels like a bad dream- i can still pretend in my mind that it didn't really happen. maybe it's easier for me to do that because we didn't keep in close contact after i got married- just a few conversations on the computer...it's easy for me to think that he's still around and i could just call him anytime. it hurts every time i remind myself that that isn't the case anymore.
it's a scary thing to try and come to terms with your own mortality. and i think that's what happens when someone you're close to dies. it forces you to face the inevitable. on one side, you're torn to pieces because you've just lost someone you love, and on the other side, you're mind is trying to grasp the fact that your life (or death) is just as unpredictable. i've been lost in my thoughts a lot this week...maybe that's a good thing, but maybe not. it is what it is.
so today i've had 2 xanax already (only .5 mg)- the stuff is pretty potent. i'm only supposed to use up to 3 pills a day, which isn't a very high dosage, according to my psychiatrist. i think i've maxed out my usage every day this week because of the kind of week it's been.
i have to admit...xanax has a great numbing effect when you need it. it get's in your bloodstream in about 15 minutes and lasts for about 6 hours. (Equal to about 3 glasses of wine but without the residual headache). this week, i've realized there's no amount of xanax (or any other pill, for that matter) that can numb me to the point of not feeling this loss and i don't think we're supposed to numb ourselves anyway. even if that's our first reaction or instinct. we're supposed to hurt, cry, feel pain, feel overwhelmed with panic (even at the most random times, like in my case) and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. of course, when things like that begin to interfere with everyday life, something's gotta give, and that's where it all began for me.
needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the day when i don't have to take these meds, or feel like i rely on them to get me through weeks like this, much less to get through what i would consider to be a "normal" day. maybe then i can go back to being the Kristin that could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and still be on my feet(and damn proud of it, too).
for now, i'm just sitting here on my couch in a daze, but it's ok.....it's Friday night and i have nowhere to be. i think i'm going to play solitaire or watch Talk Soup and let my mind go on "auto pilot"- probably for the first time since Monday. *sigh*