It’s that time again…time for word vomit (aka "blogging") but in this case, it might as well be considered word vomit because I haven't written in so long. Sometimes it’s like I can’t keep it from coming out, and I don’t know what’s going to come out next and it could be something horrible and nasty. I’m not really even surprised at myself anymore these days.
But let’s start with the good things…
I’ve started working at Café Caturra and although I’m still in training, I really enjoy it. I thought I would be scared to death to work in that kind of environment, in front of people and in something semi-high pressure (high pressure for me, at least). But it’s been a lot of fun. I enjoy interacting with the customers and getting to know the people I work with (most of which are still in high school or college…which reminds me, I feel old.) Anyway, it’s a great place. Great coffee, food and wine. And I get seriously hooked up. All my food and coffee drinks are free when I’m working, and when I’m not, everything is still 50% off. *Sweet* I’m definitely taking advantage of those perks, but more importantly, I’m finding out that I really can do this- I’m becoming less and less afraid of being around a lot of people.
My counseling sessions have been going really well. I went alone this week because my counselor didn’t think it was necessary for Jake to be there as much (although he can still come whenever he wants). I’m beginning to discover things about myself that I never paid attention to, or didn’t even know existed. I feel completely at ease with this man and if I didn’t know better, I’d say that he’s been a fly on my wall for the last 12 years of my life- he can read me like a book. It’s nice to feel validated in the things that I’m going through, to have someone say that they understand, but even more importantly, to give me ways to cope with the thoughts and emotions I’ve dealt with over the last year. The prognosis so far: "I’m not crazy." *yes*
Kara and I finally got to watch “Emperor’s New Groove” and hang out on Thursday night. It was so much fun! We ordered takeout from Panera, came back here and ate, and then watched the movie. And ate again. We had ice cream, chocolate chip cookies and vanilla wafers. It was great. But I better go easy on that stuff if I still want to fit in my dress for Becca’s wedding!
Jake and I celebrated our 11 month anniversary on Friday! *aw* I was too tired to cook and we didn’t feel like going out so we ordered Olive Garden takeout and stayed in for the night. We also had a great bottle of wine, compliments of Café Caturra and their wonderful discounts (because I would rarely pay $31 for a bottle of wine..) We're counting down to our one year anniversary now....it's so hard to believe!
I’m beginning to resume more piano lessons and pick up the pace with my teaching again. I’m joining the Richmond Music Teacher’s Association and by the fall, I’m hoping to have my own website (courtesy of my wonderful and very talented web developer hubby!) We’ll see what happens…
Now for the not so good of the week…(i think this is the "vomit" part)
I was reminded yesterday when Jake and I tried to go to his friend Brian’s wedding that I still have issues with anxiousness. My stomach can still be a problem from time to time, and although I’m learning to deal with it better these days, yesterday was not one of those days apparently. I didn’t even sit through the ceremony. I got up and left to sit in the car before the bride even came down the aisle. Then I started to feel better and was making my way back into the church when a lady stepped outside and said the ceremony was already over. I swear it was the shortest ceremony I have ever not sat through…
And then the guilt kicked in. Jake wasn’t too happy. He understood, but he’s only gone through this scenario about a hundred times now since we’ve gotten married. I know it’s been really tough for him. It seems so selfish for me to sit out in the car by myself, and it’s not that I’m not considering his (or anyone else’s) feelings, but I still feel like my body is out of control at times. We tried to make it to the reception, but I just sat in the car and cried, after crying all the way there. At that point, Jake wasn’t even in the mood to go in, so we just left. It’s days like yesterday that make me realize how much I've missed out on. How much i've allowed myself to miss out on. I feel like I should be able to be in control of this, and the irony is that this is really much more an issue of control than anything else. I get angry at myself for what i view is me not being able to make myself walk back into a restaurant, or like yesterday, get out of the car and walk inside to sit with my husband and celebrate with his friends.
I get so angry in fact, I think about hurting myself. When I was eight, my parents and I moved to New Orleans for my dad to go to seminary. It was a really tough transition for me and I felt like everything was spinning out of control. So I tried my best (in my eight year old mind) to control any and every situation I could. I actually became obsessive compulsive for a while. I had to do everything a certain number of times: make my bed, put on my clothes and shoes, walk in and out of rooms, turn the light switches on and off, etc. It was ridiculous, but at the same time, I couldn’t help it. It just started happening. I had to do everything “perfectly,” or else I would do it over and over and over. I would get angry with myself then too. I’d lie in my bed and cry and hit myself on the legs and arms- hard enough to give myself bruises. It was bad. I think I’ve tried to repress those memories.
So I guess it doesn’t really come as a shock to me now, almost 20 years later, that I find myself dealing with issues of control in the same kinds of ways. I’m not OC this time- now it’s a panic disorder. But I still get angry at myself for not being able to do things- go to a wedding, eat out with a friend, have people over. I'll feel like I’m not a good enough wife and that i'm constantly letting people down. My whole life, I’ve lived for everyone else’s approval and it’s always been based on things that I’ve done or accomplished. When I can’t do things anymore, my world falls apart, and I don't know how to deal with it so well.
Yesterday, I hurt myself. And i did it on purpose. First let me say, I’m not suicidal. It wasn’t that extreme. I won’t say what I did, but I did it intentionally. I felt that I needed to punish myself. Sounds stupid, I know. All it took was one bad afternoon after a really great week to knock me off track and remind me that I still have a lot of issues to deal with. I’m still angry that I’m sick, and I’m still resentful of all that it's cost me. I hate that it’s affected my friendships, my relationship with my parents, with Jake, my social life, my music- everything. Yesterday I felt so much anger and bitterness in me, it actually seemed logical to take it out on myself. I reasoned I had been taking it out on other people long enough. So yes, I need help. That goes without saying. I’ve been admitting that to people for a while now, and I’ve been getting it. But this is a battle I’m going to be fighting for a while, until I can let go of feeling like I need validation, approval and living up to other people’s expectations of “who” I should be. I’m getting there slowly and I’m hopeful. I have wonderful people in my life, and I know they’re not there by accident.
So yeah…that was a lot to get out. But I feel better now. I keep praying, keep trying to think positively and trying my best to embrace the “bad” with the good. Maybe it’s at the times when we’re most sad, alone, angry, afraid- whatever- that we have the opportunity to really grow the most.
If it weren’t for those damn growing pains….
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Good Times
ok, so it's definitely been a while since my last blog...it's already April 1st! (and i meant to have a good April fool's prank ready to go, but alas...it'll have to wait until next year). Here's a brief rundown of my last week and a half:
I turned 25 (damn!) last Friday. I'm officially a quarter of a century old. *sweet* I had a really good birthday- the weather was perfect and mom took me shopping (because our tastes are so different, she knows better than to actually buy me something) so that was fun. Then, i have to give props to my wonderful hubby who got me a really nice espresso machine!! Now we can make our own lattes and capuccinos and caramel macchiatos whenever we want. (ok, actually, jake has gotten pretty good at it- i'm usually stumbling around the kitchen in the morning half awake trying to figure out which knob to turn to steam the milk and which one gets the espresso in the cup and yada yada) It's a little complicated now, but i'll get the hang of it. Until then, i'll just go to Starbucks and let them do all of that for me. And one more thing about the espresso machine, and i promise i'll move on to other topics: it's definitely great and saves a lot of money, but it totally takes the fun out of custom ordering your drink when you actually go to Starbucks or some other coffee shop. Just picture me standing in my kitchen by myself saying, "yes, i'd like a double-tall, extra-hot, non-fat with whip caramel macchiato." * Then answers self, "ok, coming right up."* It's just not the same. I suppose i could put on the Starbucks apron i bought from their clearance shelf a couple of years ago when i make my own latte, but i know it would be just my luck that someone would show up at my door or something like that. And i'd be standing there all "Barista Kristin-like." That would be classic. Anyway, seriously though, that was the best gift. *does jake know me or what?*
And then there was the money i got from my grandparents and godparents which they know i use in a hot second to go shopping. (yes i'm an only child, and yes i do think i'm just a little spoiled...but as long as the money keeps coming, i'll keep the thank you notes coming too and keep my mouth shut). It's certainly not that i'm not grateful. But as it turned out, the money came in handy because we found out my car needed about $280 worth of work done on it...so happy birthday to me. (and my jetta). I still have about $200 to spend at Ann Taylor Loft though, when i work up enough nerve to go back into a mall again, which i actually did on my birthday for the first time in like, 5 months. Literally. It's a travesty, i know. But the whole panic/throwing up thing is slowly starting to get better...and there's no motivation like new clothes and shoes. =) On my birthday night, Jake and i decided to have a low-key dinner and order takeout from Outback (if that doesn't confuse you), but then on Sunday afternoon after church, the whole family did the birthday thing- Jake's parents and sister, my parents and my godparents. Good times, good food, good cake. =)
This past week was basically like any other week- more lessons and the usual routine. I had lots of errands to run and preparations to make for Becca's shower, but i had fun doing them. I felt like i was reliving my wedding planning from a year ago at this time and when people were giving me showers. I was excited to actually be able to throw one for someone else! My mom and i hosted her shower at my house yesterday and there were about 10 guests- it was really nice. (At least, I had a blast and i'm hoping everyone else did). Some of the best moments: Rebecca putting in the bubba teeth and wearing my veil (which she's borrowing for her wedding)...i think it was one of best pictures from yesterday. I also enjoyed watching everyone draw Becca on her wedding day with a book and piece of paper on top of their head (so they couldn't actually see what they were doing). Oddly enough, I was able to make out a veil and set of boobs in almost everyone's picture. It was hilarious. The best part was at the end, when i asked Kara to write down all of Becca's comments as she opened her gifts (but everyone thought she was writing down the gifts for thank you notes) and then Kara read them aloud to everyone as things that Becca was going to say on her wedding night. This was done to me at one of my showers and i knew i had to do it to her. Some of my favorite quotes were: "Wait, i'm confused....i had it upside down", "We're going to come over and make a big mess at Kristin's house," and "Look, it even has wheels on it so you can roll it on the floor." There were also a lot of "oh YES's!" and a "wait, i need to get it in there one more time." Freakin' hilarious...i almost peed myself. More good times.
*Annie, you're going to make a beautiul bride! I'm so excited for you! =) *
So that's pretty much a synopsis of my last week and a half...it's definitely been a good week. Still making progress on the whole panic thing and i think things are moving in the right direction *knocking on wood, lest i jinx myself* As always, there are plenty of opportunities to look at the negative things or be worried (and trust me, i'll find anything to worry about) but there's also a lot to celebrate: another (hopefully healthy) year for me, a brand new baby "neice" that i get to spoil (and another "adopted" neice/nephew on the way for Laura and Joe), a best friend who loves me and hasn't given up on me even though i've flaked out at the last minute so many times because of the whole panic thing (I love you kara!), a whole bunch of other wonderful friends who constantly encourage me, my Annie is getting married in a little over 3 months =), Jake (the love of my life!!)....i could go on and on. Oh yeah....and Spring Break is right around the corner. *sweet*
So here's to the beginning of another week of celebrating even the littlest things and trying as best as i can to "look on the bright side." That's all for now...=)
I turned 25 (damn!) last Friday. I'm officially a quarter of a century old. *sweet* I had a really good birthday- the weather was perfect and mom took me shopping (because our tastes are so different, she knows better than to actually buy me something) so that was fun. Then, i have to give props to my wonderful hubby who got me a really nice espresso machine!! Now we can make our own lattes and capuccinos and caramel macchiatos whenever we want. (ok, actually, jake has gotten pretty good at it- i'm usually stumbling around the kitchen in the morning half awake trying to figure out which knob to turn to steam the milk and which one gets the espresso in the cup and yada yada) It's a little complicated now, but i'll get the hang of it. Until then, i'll just go to Starbucks and let them do all of that for me. And one more thing about the espresso machine, and i promise i'll move on to other topics: it's definitely great and saves a lot of money, but it totally takes the fun out of custom ordering your drink when you actually go to Starbucks or some other coffee shop. Just picture me standing in my kitchen by myself saying, "yes, i'd like a double-tall, extra-hot, non-fat with whip caramel macchiato." * Then answers self, "ok, coming right up."* It's just not the same. I suppose i could put on the Starbucks apron i bought from their clearance shelf a couple of years ago when i make my own latte, but i know it would be just my luck that someone would show up at my door or something like that. And i'd be standing there all "Barista Kristin-like." That would be classic. Anyway, seriously though, that was the best gift. *does jake know me or what?*
And then there was the money i got from my grandparents and godparents which they know i use in a hot second to go shopping. (yes i'm an only child, and yes i do think i'm just a little spoiled...but as long as the money keeps coming, i'll keep the thank you notes coming too and keep my mouth shut). It's certainly not that i'm not grateful. But as it turned out, the money came in handy because we found out my car needed about $280 worth of work done on it...so happy birthday to me. (and my jetta). I still have about $200 to spend at Ann Taylor Loft though, when i work up enough nerve to go back into a mall again, which i actually did on my birthday for the first time in like, 5 months. Literally. It's a travesty, i know. But the whole panic/throwing up thing is slowly starting to get better...and there's no motivation like new clothes and shoes. =) On my birthday night, Jake and i decided to have a low-key dinner and order takeout from Outback (if that doesn't confuse you), but then on Sunday afternoon after church, the whole family did the birthday thing- Jake's parents and sister, my parents and my godparents. Good times, good food, good cake. =)
This past week was basically like any other week- more lessons and the usual routine. I had lots of errands to run and preparations to make for Becca's shower, but i had fun doing them. I felt like i was reliving my wedding planning from a year ago at this time and when people were giving me showers. I was excited to actually be able to throw one for someone else! My mom and i hosted her shower at my house yesterday and there were about 10 guests- it was really nice. (At least, I had a blast and i'm hoping everyone else did). Some of the best moments: Rebecca putting in the bubba teeth and wearing my veil (which she's borrowing for her wedding)...i think it was one of best pictures from yesterday. I also enjoyed watching everyone draw Becca on her wedding day with a book and piece of paper on top of their head (so they couldn't actually see what they were doing). Oddly enough, I was able to make out a veil and set of boobs in almost everyone's picture. It was hilarious. The best part was at the end, when i asked Kara to write down all of Becca's comments as she opened her gifts (but everyone thought she was writing down the gifts for thank you notes) and then Kara read them aloud to everyone as things that Becca was going to say on her wedding night. This was done to me at one of my showers and i knew i had to do it to her. Some of my favorite quotes were: "Wait, i'm confused....i had it upside down", "We're going to come over and make a big mess at Kristin's house," and "Look, it even has wheels on it so you can roll it on the floor." There were also a lot of "oh YES's!" and a "wait, i need to get it in there one more time." Freakin' hilarious...i almost peed myself. More good times.
*Annie, you're going to make a beautiul bride! I'm so excited for you! =) *
So that's pretty much a synopsis of my last week and a half...it's definitely been a good week. Still making progress on the whole panic thing and i think things are moving in the right direction *knocking on wood, lest i jinx myself* As always, there are plenty of opportunities to look at the negative things or be worried (and trust me, i'll find anything to worry about) but there's also a lot to celebrate: another (hopefully healthy) year for me, a brand new baby "neice" that i get to spoil (and another "adopted" neice/nephew on the way for Laura and Joe), a best friend who loves me and hasn't given up on me even though i've flaked out at the last minute so many times because of the whole panic thing (I love you kara!), a whole bunch of other wonderful friends who constantly encourage me, my Annie is getting married in a little over 3 months =), Jake (the love of my life!!)....i could go on and on. Oh yeah....and Spring Break is right around the corner. *sweet*
So here's to the beginning of another week of celebrating even the littlest things and trying as best as i can to "look on the bright side." That's all for now...=)
Monday, March 19, 2007
Random Thoughts
So it's Wednesday and the week is halfway through- thank God for that. This week was really special since i woke up with the mother of all bladder infections on Monday. So back to the doctor i went (and i HATE going). This would be the second time i've peed in a cup in a week. As opposed to other weeks when....well, i guess i don't really pee in cups unless i'm at the doctors office and they want me to. Just in case you were wondering. (And if you were sitting there wondering something like that, i'm worried about you). So i'm now taking Cipro, (the same antibiotics they prescribed to people who were exposed to Anthrax a few years ago- very strong) and it's totally screwing up my stomach. That, along with various other meds...i swear i'm like an old person who carries around their "pill-organizer" pack (Mon, Tues, Wed, etc). I can't wait to see how i'll be when i'm 80, and i only hope i'm lucky enough to live that long.
Then last night, Jake and i were in the mood for tacos (and i never crave mexican food), so we made them and devoured them like no one's business. Less than an hour later, i'm curled up in our bed with THE worst stomach cramps, gas, bloating, cold sweat and later on, nausea. This lasted until about 3 this morning when i was finally able to go to sleep. GEEZ. I swear i will NEVER eat tacos again (or any mexican food for that matter...that was either a very mild case of food poisoning (which i doubt, because Jake wasn't sick) or the WORST indigestion i have ever had. No more. I'm closing the chapter for good on this one. "Yo quiero Gas-X" is all i have to say. Even today, i munched on dry toast, crackers and chicken noodle soup because my stomach still wasn't quite right. Although it did feel well enough later to eat oreos, so i guess i wasn't that bad off. Chocolate is always in style. Unfortunately, these were the regular oreos in the blue and white package...not the Spring Oreos or Double Stuff, which i've made a habit of eating rather than the regular ones since, i don't know, they came out with them. (And by the way, don't bother with the reduced fat ones....they're disgusting...you might as well eat a piece of cardboard). I had asked Jake to pick up something chocolate for me at the store when he went on the taco ingredient trip last night, and i'm so grateful that he knows me well enough to not get me chocolate pudding. Anyway, my point is...given the choice between no oreos and the very-thin-almost-no-cream-in-the-middle-cookie-falls-apart-when-you-dip-it-in-the-milk oreos, i would choose the latter. But they pale in comparison to the double stuff oreos. Sometimes a girl just wants a little bit more in the middle. (ironically though, only when it comes to these cookies).
I told you this would be random...
Then last night, Jake and i were in the mood for tacos (and i never crave mexican food), so we made them and devoured them like no one's business. Less than an hour later, i'm curled up in our bed with THE worst stomach cramps, gas, bloating, cold sweat and later on, nausea. This lasted until about 3 this morning when i was finally able to go to sleep. GEEZ. I swear i will NEVER eat tacos again (or any mexican food for that matter...that was either a very mild case of food poisoning (which i doubt, because Jake wasn't sick) or the WORST indigestion i have ever had. No more. I'm closing the chapter for good on this one. "Yo quiero Gas-X" is all i have to say. Even today, i munched on dry toast, crackers and chicken noodle soup because my stomach still wasn't quite right. Although it did feel well enough later to eat oreos, so i guess i wasn't that bad off. Chocolate is always in style. Unfortunately, these were the regular oreos in the blue and white package...not the Spring Oreos or Double Stuff, which i've made a habit of eating rather than the regular ones since, i don't know, they came out with them. (And by the way, don't bother with the reduced fat ones....they're disgusting...you might as well eat a piece of cardboard). I had asked Jake to pick up something chocolate for me at the store when he went on the taco ingredient trip last night, and i'm so grateful that he knows me well enough to not get me chocolate pudding. Anyway, my point is...given the choice between no oreos and the very-thin-almost-no-cream-in-the-middle-cookie-falls-apart-when-you-dip-it-in-the-milk oreos, i would choose the latter. But they pale in comparison to the double stuff oreos. Sometimes a girl just wants a little bit more in the middle. (ironically though, only when it comes to these cookies).
I told you this would be random...
Friday, March 16, 2007
If Jimmy Crack's Corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
This is actually a good question....i hated having to do that song with my students when i was doing my student teaching, but the thought never ocurred to me why we would actually sing about something that clearly NO ONE cared about.
And how do you crack corn anyway?? *puzzled*
Unfortunately, at the school where i taught, most of my students could have related better to "crack" as in "Jimmy Smokes Crack and I Don't Care."
I've only had one glass of wine at this point, by the way....but thanks to Xanax (refer to earlier blog) i'm feeling a nice little buzz. (and the onset of a headache....)
On to other topics that are probably a bit more coherent...(and serious)
Charles's funeral is this Sunday. It's still really hard to believe. And (as shallow as this is going sound) I have no idea what to wear. Is wearing all black too much? Maybe that's standard protocol...but i really can't remember the last time i've been to a funeral. And this is Charles we're talking about. I can't think of a better person to fuss over an outfit for, seriously...i want to look good in honor of him. If i wear all black, i feel like i should at least stick a bright flower in my hair or something like that because Charles to me is just that- this bright ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is really not important, but i feel like, in a strange way, this is my last "tribute" to my friend. Maybe i should do a little shopping tomorrow...i can always be talked into that (or talk myself into it).
These last 2 weeks have seemed more like 2 years. I'm trying to go on and live life. Oddly enough, my anxiety has been a lot better. Probably because ever since Kara called me 2 weeks ago to tell me about Charles, i've realized how precious and unpredictable life is. Sure, I still have my moments....like tonight when Jake and I went to dinner and the restaurant was a bit more crowded than i liked...and we ended up eating our salad but then getting our pizza to go. There are still those times when i feel the panic start to get the best of me, but having been confronted with events of the past week, i've found it less threatening and therefore easier to fight back. I know it's not a coincidence.
I just wish to God that there could have been a different way for me to be able to come to terms with things...
And how do you crack corn anyway?? *puzzled*
Unfortunately, at the school where i taught, most of my students could have related better to "crack" as in "Jimmy Smokes Crack and I Don't Care."
I've only had one glass of wine at this point, by the way....but thanks to Xanax (refer to earlier blog) i'm feeling a nice little buzz. (and the onset of a headache....)
On to other topics that are probably a bit more coherent...(and serious)
Charles's funeral is this Sunday. It's still really hard to believe. And (as shallow as this is going sound) I have no idea what to wear. Is wearing all black too much? Maybe that's standard protocol...but i really can't remember the last time i've been to a funeral. And this is Charles we're talking about. I can't think of a better person to fuss over an outfit for, seriously...i want to look good in honor of him. If i wear all black, i feel like i should at least stick a bright flower in my hair or something like that because Charles to me is just that- this bright ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is really not important, but i feel like, in a strange way, this is my last "tribute" to my friend. Maybe i should do a little shopping tomorrow...i can always be talked into that (or talk myself into it).
These last 2 weeks have seemed more like 2 years. I'm trying to go on and live life. Oddly enough, my anxiety has been a lot better. Probably because ever since Kara called me 2 weeks ago to tell me about Charles, i've realized how precious and unpredictable life is. Sure, I still have my moments....like tonight when Jake and I went to dinner and the restaurant was a bit more crowded than i liked...and we ended up eating our salad but then getting our pizza to go. There are still those times when i feel the panic start to get the best of me, but having been confronted with events of the past week, i've found it less threatening and therefore easier to fight back. I know it's not a coincidence.
I just wish to God that there could have been a different way for me to be able to come to terms with things...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Marie's Father Has 5 Daughters...
....So i went to my favorite Starbucks today. (actually, they're all my favorites, but i've gotten to know the guys who work at this particular store, and sometimes they'll hook me up). ;) Apparently, they've just started doing a "riddle board" where the baristas put up a riddle or brain-teaser each day. If the customer gets the correct answer, they get a free tall coffee. (*great marketing*)
So there i am....getting ready to order my iced-grande-one-pump-classic-americano(with room for cream) ....and yes, i said it in that order because i'm very well acquainted with Starbucks jargon. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is to hear someone in front of me say..."i just want a medium coffee." *jaw drops* Good Lord, if that's what they want, they should just go to 7-11...seriously, if you're willing to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you better damn well know how to order it. Anyway, i digress. So back to the riddle...
After i had ordered my drink, the girl behind the counter asked me if i could figure out the riddle. There were several people standing nearby (oddly enough, all guys). And here was the riddle:
"Marie's father has 5 daughters:
Cha-Cha
Che-Che
Chi-Chi
Cho-Cho
What is his 5th daughter's name?"
So there i stood. And then suddenly, i knew the answer. At which point, i brilliantly (and rather loudly, i might add) exclaimed "Chu-Chu" (a,e,i,o....so i reasoned 'u' would be next.) I didn't even want the free tall coffee, but i was gonna give myself a pat on the back. But no. The baristas started laughing and were like, "that's what everyone has said, but nope." (Thank God i wasn't the only one...) So then i continued to stand there with a dumb look on my face, realizing that this "riddle board" was really nothing more than a way for baristas to poke fun at customers like myself, therefore making their shifts go by that much faster). *very clever of them* If you're reading this, chances are, you've probably figured out the answer to the riddle already, and i would prefer not to know if you have because it definitely took me a good 2 minutes to realize what it was. A very long 2 minutes.
And the answer is....*drum roll please*.....MARIE. (duh).
It definitely gave me a good laugh (but probably not as much as the people working behind the counter.) And i did overhear some of the other customers who came in after me say the same thing, which made me feel better.
I know that somewhere underneath the various shades that i've colored my hair are very blonde roots. I guess you would have had to have been there....but make no mistake, i'm SO going to get the answer to tomorrow's riddle (and hopefully not make an ass of myself this time...) =)
So there i am....getting ready to order my iced-grande-one-pump-classic-americano(with room for cream) ....and yes, i said it in that order because i'm very well acquainted with Starbucks jargon. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is to hear someone in front of me say..."i just want a medium coffee." *jaw drops* Good Lord, if that's what they want, they should just go to 7-11...seriously, if you're willing to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you better damn well know how to order it. Anyway, i digress. So back to the riddle...
After i had ordered my drink, the girl behind the counter asked me if i could figure out the riddle. There were several people standing nearby (oddly enough, all guys). And here was the riddle:
"Marie's father has 5 daughters:
Cha-Cha
Che-Che
Chi-Chi
Cho-Cho
What is his 5th daughter's name?"
So there i stood. And then suddenly, i knew the answer. At which point, i brilliantly (and rather loudly, i might add) exclaimed "Chu-Chu" (a,e,i,o....so i reasoned 'u' would be next.) I didn't even want the free tall coffee, but i was gonna give myself a pat on the back. But no. The baristas started laughing and were like, "that's what everyone has said, but nope." (Thank God i wasn't the only one...) So then i continued to stand there with a dumb look on my face, realizing that this "riddle board" was really nothing more than a way for baristas to poke fun at customers like myself, therefore making their shifts go by that much faster). *very clever of them* If you're reading this, chances are, you've probably figured out the answer to the riddle already, and i would prefer not to know if you have because it definitely took me a good 2 minutes to realize what it was. A very long 2 minutes.
And the answer is....*drum roll please*.....MARIE. (duh).
It definitely gave me a good laugh (but probably not as much as the people working behind the counter.) And i did overhear some of the other customers who came in after me say the same thing, which made me feel better.
I know that somewhere underneath the various shades that i've colored my hair are very blonde roots. I guess you would have had to have been there....but make no mistake, i'm SO going to get the answer to tomorrow's riddle (and hopefully not make an ass of myself this time...) =)
Friday, March 9, 2007
Xanax and Wine don't mix so well
but God bless the grape anyway....i'm still going to have a glass or two every now and then. and when i say now and then, i mean 2 or 3 times a week. and tonight too. i've decided this glass of red wine is in honor of Charles- when we went out, he always knew the right wine to order. i trusted his expertise. but i don't have the kind of buzz that makes you giddy like i usually would have. right now, i feel like i could go to bed and sleep for days. ehhh...at least tomorrow is Saturday.
i'm still in shock over Charles. the other night, i looked through my phone list and there was his name- it had been there for years. I realized that i hadn't actually talked to him on the phone in forever. then i didn something rather crazy and called his number...just to see if i could hear his voice one more time. *then another crying episode* (what did i expect though, really?) i just found out that his funeral is next Sunday...i know it sounds weird, but i hate that it's more than a week away. for me, that'st just more waiting. it hasn't really begun to sink in that he's gone, and until i go to his funeral, i don't think ir really will. so until then, i'll just have to keep myself distracted, and there's really only so much i can do. it still feels like a bad dream- i can still pretend in my mind that it didn't really happen. maybe it's easier for me to do that because we didn't keep in close contact after i got married- just a few conversations on the computer...it's easy for me to think that he's still around and i could just call him anytime. it hurts every time i remind myself that that isn't the case anymore.
it's a scary thing to try and come to terms with your own mortality. and i think that's what happens when someone you're close to dies. it forces you to face the inevitable. on one side, you're torn to pieces because you've just lost someone you love, and on the other side, you're mind is trying to grasp the fact that your life (or death) is just as unpredictable. i've been lost in my thoughts a lot this week...maybe that's a good thing, but maybe not. it is what it is.
so today i've had 2 xanax already (only .5 mg)- the stuff is pretty potent. i'm only supposed to use up to 3 pills a day, which isn't a very high dosage, according to my psychiatrist. i think i've maxed out my usage every day this week because of the kind of week it's been.
i have to admit...xanax has a great numbing effect when you need it. it get's in your bloodstream in about 15 minutes and lasts for about 6 hours. (Equal to about 3 glasses of wine but without the residual headache). this week, i've realized there's no amount of xanax (or any other pill, for that matter) that can numb me to the point of not feeling this loss and i don't think we're supposed to numb ourselves anyway. even if that's our first reaction or instinct. we're supposed to hurt, cry, feel pain, feel overwhelmed with panic (even at the most random times, like in my case) and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. of course, when things like that begin to interfere with everyday life, something's gotta give, and that's where it all began for me.
needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the day when i don't have to take these meds, or feel like i rely on them to get me through weeks like this, much less to get through what i would consider to be a "normal" day. maybe then i can go back to being the Kristin that could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and still be on my feet(and damn proud of it, too).
for now, i'm just sitting here on my couch in a daze, but it's ok.....it's Friday night and i have nowhere to be. i think i'm going to play solitaire or watch Talk Soup and let my mind go on "auto pilot"- probably for the first time since Monday. *sigh*
i'm still in shock over Charles. the other night, i looked through my phone list and there was his name- it had been there for years. I realized that i hadn't actually talked to him on the phone in forever. then i didn something rather crazy and called his number...just to see if i could hear his voice one more time. *then another crying episode* (what did i expect though, really?) i just found out that his funeral is next Sunday...i know it sounds weird, but i hate that it's more than a week away. for me, that'st just more waiting. it hasn't really begun to sink in that he's gone, and until i go to his funeral, i don't think ir really will. so until then, i'll just have to keep myself distracted, and there's really only so much i can do. it still feels like a bad dream- i can still pretend in my mind that it didn't really happen. maybe it's easier for me to do that because we didn't keep in close contact after i got married- just a few conversations on the computer...it's easy for me to think that he's still around and i could just call him anytime. it hurts every time i remind myself that that isn't the case anymore.
it's a scary thing to try and come to terms with your own mortality. and i think that's what happens when someone you're close to dies. it forces you to face the inevitable. on one side, you're torn to pieces because you've just lost someone you love, and on the other side, you're mind is trying to grasp the fact that your life (or death) is just as unpredictable. i've been lost in my thoughts a lot this week...maybe that's a good thing, but maybe not. it is what it is.
so today i've had 2 xanax already (only .5 mg)- the stuff is pretty potent. i'm only supposed to use up to 3 pills a day, which isn't a very high dosage, according to my psychiatrist. i think i've maxed out my usage every day this week because of the kind of week it's been.
i have to admit...xanax has a great numbing effect when you need it. it get's in your bloodstream in about 15 minutes and lasts for about 6 hours. (Equal to about 3 glasses of wine but without the residual headache). this week, i've realized there's no amount of xanax (or any other pill, for that matter) that can numb me to the point of not feeling this loss and i don't think we're supposed to numb ourselves anyway. even if that's our first reaction or instinct. we're supposed to hurt, cry, feel pain, feel overwhelmed with panic (even at the most random times, like in my case) and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. of course, when things like that begin to interfere with everyday life, something's gotta give, and that's where it all began for me.
needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the day when i don't have to take these meds, or feel like i rely on them to get me through weeks like this, much less to get through what i would consider to be a "normal" day. maybe then i can go back to being the Kristin that could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and still be on my feet(and damn proud of it, too).
for now, i'm just sitting here on my couch in a daze, but it's ok.....it's Friday night and i have nowhere to be. i think i'm going to play solitaire or watch Talk Soup and let my mind go on "auto pilot"- probably for the first time since Monday. *sigh*
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Charles
I'm sitting here on my couch in a daze. my contacts are sticking to my eyes and my body is so tired, but i just can't sleep right now. my head is throbbing- the kind of headache you get after you've cried really hard for a period of time. Yesterday i sat and wrote about how i was in a "funk," how i couldn't figure out how i was supposed to live my life...how i just felt this heaviness yesterday and i couldn't put my finger on what it was. i had no idea what was coming...
last night, a 5 minute phone call changed everything. i was told that my friend Charles, who was diagnosed with aplastic anemia last year, was not going to "make it." i didn't need more clarification, but i asked anyway- "you mean he's going to die..."
"Yes." and suddenly, nothing i worried about yesterday seemed to matter anymore.
7 months ago, he was at my rehearsal dinner and wedding, 2 months ago, he received a transplant and was doing fine. 2 weeks ago, i was told he was in ICU in a medically-induced coma to help him fight off an infection. his body started rejecting the treatments and things went from bad to worse. 24 hours ago, Charles was still alive in the sense that he was lying in a hospital bed, breathing only with the help of a machine. but that's not really living. and that's definitely not who Charles was. he wouldn't have wanted to go on that way, and his closest friends knew that. 7 hours ago, they decided to take him off of life support. his vital organs had already shut down. i drove around for a long time today- no where in particular. and all i could pray was that God would take him quickly. i wanted the waiting to be overe and i just wanted him to be okay again. so i waited for a phone call that i never in my life imagined i would have to wait for. 4 hours ago, i heard my phone ring but i just couldn't pick it up. i knew before i answered that he was gone. i still can't get my head around it. and my heart is gonna hurt for a while. someday soon, i hope, the tears will be replaced by smiles and laughter as i reflect on a friend that God gave me the privilege of knowing, even if it was for this short time. he was an amazing soul.
i wrote him a letter today because there were things i needed to say- things i wanted him to know. (i think he probably does). i thought i would share it anyway though...so here you go.
Dear Charles,
I just found out that they took you off life support. I didn’t go to the hospital this morning with Kara and Rebecca. I couldn’t do it. I’m picturing you in my mind the way you looked the last time I saw you- at our wedding. That’s how I’ll remember you- this ray of sunshine. Kara and Rebecca told me that they didn’t feel like they really saw you today- like it was someone else. I don’t think I could have seen you look like that- I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw you. But I do have some things I want to say- I’ve had all of these thoughts and memories swirling around in my head since Kara called me last night. You won’t ever read this letter, but somehow, I think you’ll know about it.
I want to thank you. For being such a good friend to me. Thank you for always smiling, always seeing life on the bright side, never letting me get down on myself. Thank you for making me laugh, and always at the times when I needed to the most. Thank you for being my Valentine in 2005 and for the wonderful dinner we had at Konsta’s (and for being my pseudo-date on so many other occasions). Thanks for always looking out for me- making sure that the guys I dated were treating me right. (Usually they weren’t and if that was the case, you were one of the first to say so.) And you were always emphatic and hilarious. (i.e. “KRISTIN, uh, no….!”) I loved that about you.
Avalon will always remind me of you. Baker’s Crust will always remind me of you. I loved how you would come and sit down with me and whoever I was with and eat with us if you weren’t too busy waiting tables. And I especially appreciated the cream cheese-raspberry brownies you gave me to take home. Battle of the Sexes will never be the same again. For the record, I still think it was unfair that you were on the guys’ team, seriously…. =) And I laugh every time I think of us sitting at Nacho Mama’s, drinking margaritas and playing “big booty.” Or how about the time you took me and Rebecca to Priscilla’s and got us penis lollipops? I was so embarrassed and you were insisting that I was being ridiculous. Good times.
I loved how you boosted my ego and how you never hesitated to tell me “Kristin, your ass looks great in those jeans.” I loved how you always called me to make sure you knew how to dress when we would go out- you could never be up-staged (and of course, we wouldn’t have let you). I loved how giddy we would get after splitting a bottle of wine- usually with Rebecca and Kara. You were always such a gentleman, always paying for my dinner and God only knows how many drinks you paid for over the years. Alcohol or no alcohol, you always spoke your mind. (Although the conversations over drinks were always the best). You meant what you said and you said what you meant. Good friends do that. You were a good friend.
I remember how you were trying to calm me down at my own wedding rehearsal- (which ended up being a disaster) and how you kept telling me to “relax, everything would be alright” in your usual cheery voice, and that I would be able to look back and laugh at it later. You were right- it is funny to me now. So it’s not surprising that you wouldn’t let anyone feel sorry for you while you were sick- you took what life handed you, rolled with the punches and kept on smiling. Ironically, you were the one trying to cheer us up. That’s the kind of person you are- the kind of friend you are.
I have a feeling if you were awake and coherent, you would be saying the same thing to us now, “relax, everything’s going to be alright- don’t cry, I’m ok.” We’ve been scared, but if you’ve been, you never let on. Maybe you did that for us- or maybe you really weren’t scared. I’ve been told that there’s nothing in this life to really fear. But last night, I was so scared for you. Even though I know you couldn’t feel anything and you weren’t aware of what was going on. I was scared for you to die. I couldn’t (and still can’t) quite get my mind around it. I think I’m scared for me to die or in the very least, I’m scared of how I’m going to die. But when I think back on it, I don’t think that was something you ever feared or worried about. You enjoyed life too much to get caught up in that. I loved that about you too.
Life is a gift. Friendship is a gift. Every day that we wake up- in good health or not- is a gift. I think maybe you grasped that better than most people I know. Even now, in your own way, you’re telling us to stop sitting here and feeling sad or sorry for ourselves and get out there and live. Because that’s what you’d be doing. For me, it’s deciding to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. To stop taking so much for granted. To quit saying, “I will, when….” To take risks. To tell Jake, my mom and dad, friends and family how much I love them. Every day. Maybe even to go ahead and buy those $200 jeans (because I’m worth it….and because you would have too!)
I don’t think I ever told you how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me. I don’t think I ever told you what a wonderful person you were- how grateful I feel to have been given the chance to know you and be your friend. Why is it that we always wait until times like these to speak what’s on our hearts? Probably because we all assume that we’ll wake up tomorrow to the same world. That 24 hours- let alone just one hour, one conversation, one minute- couldn’t turn our lives- as we know them- inside out. I know I could let myself feel guilty for not saying all of these things to you, but I know that’s not how you would want me to feel. If you were sitting here, I’d start to go into my spiel, and I can already hear you say, “Kristin, PLEASE….it’s ok, I know..” (Or something to that effect).
I really hope you do know, Charles. Know that you are loved, that you will always be missed, and that you’ll never fail- even now- to make me smile or laugh when I think back on all that we were able to share. I’m so grateful that God gave me the opportunity to know you and be your friend.
I’m waiting for Kara or Rebecca to call me anytime now and tell me that you’ve let go. And I’ll cry. (So you’ll just have to deal with it). I’ll cry for all those times I had the opportunity to tell you what a great person and friend you were, but didn’t. I’ll also cry because I know that you’re finally okay. You’re not sick anymore. You’re not a body lying in a hospital bed anymore. You’ll be the Charles that I see when I close my eyes and remember: the bright eyes and huge smile I see on so many pictures from the last few years. You’ll be home.
And I know I’ll see you again….it’ll be like old times, only better.
I love you,
Kristin
last night, a 5 minute phone call changed everything. i was told that my friend Charles, who was diagnosed with aplastic anemia last year, was not going to "make it." i didn't need more clarification, but i asked anyway- "you mean he's going to die..."
"Yes." and suddenly, nothing i worried about yesterday seemed to matter anymore.
7 months ago, he was at my rehearsal dinner and wedding, 2 months ago, he received a transplant and was doing fine. 2 weeks ago, i was told he was in ICU in a medically-induced coma to help him fight off an infection. his body started rejecting the treatments and things went from bad to worse. 24 hours ago, Charles was still alive in the sense that he was lying in a hospital bed, breathing only with the help of a machine. but that's not really living. and that's definitely not who Charles was. he wouldn't have wanted to go on that way, and his closest friends knew that. 7 hours ago, they decided to take him off of life support. his vital organs had already shut down. i drove around for a long time today- no where in particular. and all i could pray was that God would take him quickly. i wanted the waiting to be overe and i just wanted him to be okay again. so i waited for a phone call that i never in my life imagined i would have to wait for. 4 hours ago, i heard my phone ring but i just couldn't pick it up. i knew before i answered that he was gone. i still can't get my head around it. and my heart is gonna hurt for a while. someday soon, i hope, the tears will be replaced by smiles and laughter as i reflect on a friend that God gave me the privilege of knowing, even if it was for this short time. he was an amazing soul.
i wrote him a letter today because there were things i needed to say- things i wanted him to know. (i think he probably does). i thought i would share it anyway though...so here you go.
Dear Charles,
I just found out that they took you off life support. I didn’t go to the hospital this morning with Kara and Rebecca. I couldn’t do it. I’m picturing you in my mind the way you looked the last time I saw you- at our wedding. That’s how I’ll remember you- this ray of sunshine. Kara and Rebecca told me that they didn’t feel like they really saw you today- like it was someone else. I don’t think I could have seen you look like that- I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw you. But I do have some things I want to say- I’ve had all of these thoughts and memories swirling around in my head since Kara called me last night. You won’t ever read this letter, but somehow, I think you’ll know about it.
I want to thank you. For being such a good friend to me. Thank you for always smiling, always seeing life on the bright side, never letting me get down on myself. Thank you for making me laugh, and always at the times when I needed to the most. Thank you for being my Valentine in 2005 and for the wonderful dinner we had at Konsta’s (and for being my pseudo-date on so many other occasions). Thanks for always looking out for me- making sure that the guys I dated were treating me right. (Usually they weren’t and if that was the case, you were one of the first to say so.) And you were always emphatic and hilarious. (i.e. “KRISTIN, uh, no….!”) I loved that about you.
Avalon will always remind me of you. Baker’s Crust will always remind me of you. I loved how you would come and sit down with me and whoever I was with and eat with us if you weren’t too busy waiting tables. And I especially appreciated the cream cheese-raspberry brownies you gave me to take home. Battle of the Sexes will never be the same again. For the record, I still think it was unfair that you were on the guys’ team, seriously…. =) And I laugh every time I think of us sitting at Nacho Mama’s, drinking margaritas and playing “big booty.” Or how about the time you took me and Rebecca to Priscilla’s and got us penis lollipops? I was so embarrassed and you were insisting that I was being ridiculous. Good times.
I loved how you boosted my ego and how you never hesitated to tell me “Kristin, your ass looks great in those jeans.” I loved how you always called me to make sure you knew how to dress when we would go out- you could never be up-staged (and of course, we wouldn’t have let you). I loved how giddy we would get after splitting a bottle of wine- usually with Rebecca and Kara. You were always such a gentleman, always paying for my dinner and God only knows how many drinks you paid for over the years. Alcohol or no alcohol, you always spoke your mind. (Although the conversations over drinks were always the best). You meant what you said and you said what you meant. Good friends do that. You were a good friend.
I remember how you were trying to calm me down at my own wedding rehearsal- (which ended up being a disaster) and how you kept telling me to “relax, everything would be alright” in your usual cheery voice, and that I would be able to look back and laugh at it later. You were right- it is funny to me now. So it’s not surprising that you wouldn’t let anyone feel sorry for you while you were sick- you took what life handed you, rolled with the punches and kept on smiling. Ironically, you were the one trying to cheer us up. That’s the kind of person you are- the kind of friend you are.
I have a feeling if you were awake and coherent, you would be saying the same thing to us now, “relax, everything’s going to be alright- don’t cry, I’m ok.” We’ve been scared, but if you’ve been, you never let on. Maybe you did that for us- or maybe you really weren’t scared. I’ve been told that there’s nothing in this life to really fear. But last night, I was so scared for you. Even though I know you couldn’t feel anything and you weren’t aware of what was going on. I was scared for you to die. I couldn’t (and still can’t) quite get my mind around it. I think I’m scared for me to die or in the very least, I’m scared of how I’m going to die. But when I think back on it, I don’t think that was something you ever feared or worried about. You enjoyed life too much to get caught up in that. I loved that about you too.
Life is a gift. Friendship is a gift. Every day that we wake up- in good health or not- is a gift. I think maybe you grasped that better than most people I know. Even now, in your own way, you’re telling us to stop sitting here and feeling sad or sorry for ourselves and get out there and live. Because that’s what you’d be doing. For me, it’s deciding to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. To stop taking so much for granted. To quit saying, “I will, when….” To take risks. To tell Jake, my mom and dad, friends and family how much I love them. Every day. Maybe even to go ahead and buy those $200 jeans (because I’m worth it….and because you would have too!)
I don’t think I ever told you how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me. I don’t think I ever told you what a wonderful person you were- how grateful I feel to have been given the chance to know you and be your friend. Why is it that we always wait until times like these to speak what’s on our hearts? Probably because we all assume that we’ll wake up tomorrow to the same world. That 24 hours- let alone just one hour, one conversation, one minute- couldn’t turn our lives- as we know them- inside out. I know I could let myself feel guilty for not saying all of these things to you, but I know that’s not how you would want me to feel. If you were sitting here, I’d start to go into my spiel, and I can already hear you say, “Kristin, PLEASE….it’s ok, I know..” (Or something to that effect).
I really hope you do know, Charles. Know that you are loved, that you will always be missed, and that you’ll never fail- even now- to make me smile or laugh when I think back on all that we were able to share. I’m so grateful that God gave me the opportunity to know you and be your friend.
I’m waiting for Kara or Rebecca to call me anytime now and tell me that you’ve let go. And I’ll cry. (So you’ll just have to deal with it). I’ll cry for all those times I had the opportunity to tell you what a great person and friend you were, but didn’t. I’ll also cry because I know that you’re finally okay. You’re not sick anymore. You’re not a body lying in a hospital bed anymore. You’ll be the Charles that I see when I close my eyes and remember: the bright eyes and huge smile I see on so many pictures from the last few years. You’ll be home.
And I know I’ll see you again….it’ll be like old times, only better.
I love you,
Kristin
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
"ehhh?"
i'm in a funk this morning....i couldn't really tell you why, because even i'm not sure. Just really emotional...which is odd, because it isn't that time of the month for me. Seriously, i think i'm going crazy sometimes.
i feel like i'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. that's what i think. it's probably not true...but i just don't feel like i'm contributing anything. i have nothing to pour myself into (other than being a wife- which is great, don't get me wrong). i teach my piano lessons which, at best, are 3-4 days a week. it's not that i don't like my students, but it's just gotten to the point where i don't really care that much. i know that's a horrible thing to think. i've been doing this now for going on six years, and i thin i'm over it. the last thing i saw myself doing after i got married was sitting at home for several hours during the day waiting for that 2 hour window when i would actually "work." i started out this fall with close to 40 students. i teach about 15 now. maybe some people would think, "must be nice." trust me, i really don't take for granted the fact that i have the choice whether to work or not- a lot of people don't. jake has been so understanding and supportive of me as i've been going through all of this. i know this is one huge way God has provided for me- i can't imagine how i would have survived any of this without him. compared to the love and emotional support he's given me, the financial part is nothing, but i'm still so grateful. i would give anything to be well enough again to have all my students back and feel like my normal self. (i use the word "normal" loosely).
maybe it's time for a career change. that's part of the problem though...right now, when i stop to think about it, there's nothing that i feel really passionate about. maybe i'll begin to feel differently once i'm out of this rough patch, but seriously, if i were to sum up my feelings in one word- especially today- it would be "ehhh?" as in, apathy. maybe a little discouraged- ok, a lot discouraged. i'm trying to keep my chin up, think good thoughts, pray...all of that, but some days are just tough. sometimes for no reason at all. and those are the days when "keep on keeping on" is my mantra. and i don't even know for what.
let's sum it up, shall we? (i'm no psychologist, but i think i know me pretty well).
i got married a little over 7 months ago. i have the life i always prayed i would have. i've also lost 25 lbs., haven't been able to eat, go out to restaurants or malls, see friends, and it's been hard enough to even get through church. (me + crowds = no good). being the social butterfly i once was, i find this to be terribly ironic. or ironically terrible, however you want to look at it. growing up, i didn't ever care what career i had- all i wanted was to be someone's wife and eventually a mom. i am jake's wife now (lucky girl that i am) but i would look jake in the eye (actually i already have) and anyone else for that matter and tell them that the last 7 months have been the toughest months i can remember going through. i wasn't prepared for any of this anxiety stuff...and there's no handbook out there telling you how to adjust to married life.
so i've gotten to be the bride and i had a beautiful wedding (if i do say so myself). but now i'm in this unfamiliar place in my life. ALL of my married friends are pregnant with either their first or second babies. actually, i take that back- carmen just had her baby yesterday! *yay!!!* so she's not preggers now, but has 2 babies. another friend of mine came up to me at church on Sunday and told me she was 7 weeks along. there must be something in the water around here. seriously. so i told jake last night that i wanted to have a baby. he looked at me like i had just sprouted a second nose. but really, i think i just want to have something to be excited about again. i DO see it for what it is. i don't really think i want a baby now- i need to get better first, and the time i have with jake right now is precious. we won't ever get it back once the kids start coming. i think it's that i see friends getting engaged and planning weddings, and then i see other friends gushing about being pregnant, and then here i am. twiddling my thumbs. wondering what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with my life and trying to figure out why i even thought things were complicated before i got married. i think some peopl would call that naievity. life changes so quickly. you go on one blind date and the next thing you know, you're walking down the aisle a little over a year later. (and when i said "you" i meant "me"- duh.)
so, i'm not trying to have a pity party (although you may not be convinced). i'm actually having other parties- a baby shower for carmen and a bridal shower for rebecca! yay!! i'm very excited for them both and so glad to be a part of life changing events like this. my perspective isn't always what it should be....but then again, no one's got it all together. (although we like to appear that we do).
i feel like i'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. that's what i think. it's probably not true...but i just don't feel like i'm contributing anything. i have nothing to pour myself into (other than being a wife- which is great, don't get me wrong). i teach my piano lessons which, at best, are 3-4 days a week. it's not that i don't like my students, but it's just gotten to the point where i don't really care that much. i know that's a horrible thing to think. i've been doing this now for going on six years, and i thin i'm over it. the last thing i saw myself doing after i got married was sitting at home for several hours during the day waiting for that 2 hour window when i would actually "work." i started out this fall with close to 40 students. i teach about 15 now. maybe some people would think, "must be nice." trust me, i really don't take for granted the fact that i have the choice whether to work or not- a lot of people don't. jake has been so understanding and supportive of me as i've been going through all of this. i know this is one huge way God has provided for me- i can't imagine how i would have survived any of this without him. compared to the love and emotional support he's given me, the financial part is nothing, but i'm still so grateful. i would give anything to be well enough again to have all my students back and feel like my normal self. (i use the word "normal" loosely).
maybe it's time for a career change. that's part of the problem though...right now, when i stop to think about it, there's nothing that i feel really passionate about. maybe i'll begin to feel differently once i'm out of this rough patch, but seriously, if i were to sum up my feelings in one word- especially today- it would be "ehhh?" as in, apathy. maybe a little discouraged- ok, a lot discouraged. i'm trying to keep my chin up, think good thoughts, pray...all of that, but some days are just tough. sometimes for no reason at all. and those are the days when "keep on keeping on" is my mantra. and i don't even know for what.
let's sum it up, shall we? (i'm no psychologist, but i think i know me pretty well).
i got married a little over 7 months ago. i have the life i always prayed i would have. i've also lost 25 lbs., haven't been able to eat, go out to restaurants or malls, see friends, and it's been hard enough to even get through church. (me + crowds = no good). being the social butterfly i once was, i find this to be terribly ironic. or ironically terrible, however you want to look at it. growing up, i didn't ever care what career i had- all i wanted was to be someone's wife and eventually a mom. i am jake's wife now (lucky girl that i am) but i would look jake in the eye (actually i already have) and anyone else for that matter and tell them that the last 7 months have been the toughest months i can remember going through. i wasn't prepared for any of this anxiety stuff...and there's no handbook out there telling you how to adjust to married life.
so i've gotten to be the bride and i had a beautiful wedding (if i do say so myself). but now i'm in this unfamiliar place in my life. ALL of my married friends are pregnant with either their first or second babies. actually, i take that back- carmen just had her baby yesterday! *yay!!!* so she's not preggers now, but has 2 babies. another friend of mine came up to me at church on Sunday and told me she was 7 weeks along. there must be something in the water around here. seriously. so i told jake last night that i wanted to have a baby. he looked at me like i had just sprouted a second nose. but really, i think i just want to have something to be excited about again. i DO see it for what it is. i don't really think i want a baby now- i need to get better first, and the time i have with jake right now is precious. we won't ever get it back once the kids start coming. i think it's that i see friends getting engaged and planning weddings, and then i see other friends gushing about being pregnant, and then here i am. twiddling my thumbs. wondering what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with my life and trying to figure out why i even thought things were complicated before i got married. i think some peopl would call that naievity. life changes so quickly. you go on one blind date and the next thing you know, you're walking down the aisle a little over a year later. (and when i said "you" i meant "me"- duh.)
so, i'm not trying to have a pity party (although you may not be convinced). i'm actually having other parties- a baby shower for carmen and a bridal shower for rebecca! yay!! i'm very excited for them both and so glad to be a part of life changing events like this. my perspective isn't always what it should be....but then again, no one's got it all together. (although we like to appear that we do).
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Seven Is a Good Number
I'm sitting on the couch having a hot cup of tea...(imagine me saying that in a British accent....except the Brits would say a "spot of tea.") Anyway, i'm a little bored, so i figured it was time to update the blog.
Nothing new to report really...Jake went out of town on business this week for the first time since we've been married. I swear, you would have thought he was leaving for Iraq. He was going to be gone for two nights- yes, two nights, but it just about killed me. I didn't expect to be so emotional- i don't think he expected me to be that emotional either. hah. it wasn't obnoxious, though. Endearing, hopefully. For so long, i've prided myself on being independent and being "okay" to be by myself lots of times. Now i admit it- i'm spoiled (i know you're shocked). Seriously though, i think it really hit me how much things have changed- and rightly so- since we've been married. I realize how much I depend on him- how much i just want him to be around, or nearby- even if i won't admit it to anyone. I wouldn't label myself as "clingy" (i guess you could ask him though), but I just never get tired of having him around. He doesn't get on my nerves. We have a blast together even when we're doing absolutely nothing. That kind of thing is easy to take for granted...i got a healthy reminder of that Monday and Tuesday night. *i'm a lucky girl.*
And Happy 7 months to us! =) Good grief, life can change so fast. We're 7/7/7 now. Seven months of dating, seven months of being engaged, and now seven months of being married. And I like the number 7- it's one of my favorite numbers. It gets better and better. Not necessarily easier...God knows the last 7 months have been anything but easy, but it really does keep getting better in spite of the adjustments and "growing pains."
And speaking of "pains," where the hell is my period? I'm 4 days late. Yeah, like i said...happy 7 month annniversary to us. hah. I don't think i'm pregnant...in fact, i'm willing it not to be. I'm determined that the back room in our house is going to be our office, NOT a nursery. I've lost a good bit of weight over the past few months, and the doc had told me that the weight loss could contribute to weird cycles, or even losing my cycle altogether, but geez, i still have some body fat left. But then again, i'm not on the pill either. I've had friends get pregnant when she was on the pill, so anything is possible. Nothing is guaranteed. I've decided that if my little friend hasn't shown up by Saturday, i'll go and get a pregnancy test. But i'm not pregnant. Nope. Besides, i'm going to be an Aunt again next Friday- Carmen is being induced and then Abby will be here!!! I can't wait to meet her! Yay for little baby girls. =) I must take her shoe shopping as soon as she understands what a shoe is. I've already told Jake that girls are all i want to have when it's time to start a family. (like it's up to me). Little girly-girls that i can dress up and take shopping and make their daddy crazy. just kidding....(kind of) =)
Guess that's all for now.....my little brain is tired. Gonna go to bed soon....
Nothing new to report really...Jake went out of town on business this week for the first time since we've been married. I swear, you would have thought he was leaving for Iraq. He was going to be gone for two nights- yes, two nights, but it just about killed me. I didn't expect to be so emotional- i don't think he expected me to be that emotional either. hah. it wasn't obnoxious, though. Endearing, hopefully. For so long, i've prided myself on being independent and being "okay" to be by myself lots of times. Now i admit it- i'm spoiled (i know you're shocked). Seriously though, i think it really hit me how much things have changed- and rightly so- since we've been married. I realize how much I depend on him- how much i just want him to be around, or nearby- even if i won't admit it to anyone. I wouldn't label myself as "clingy" (i guess you could ask him though), but I just never get tired of having him around. He doesn't get on my nerves. We have a blast together even when we're doing absolutely nothing. That kind of thing is easy to take for granted...i got a healthy reminder of that Monday and Tuesday night. *i'm a lucky girl.*
And Happy 7 months to us! =) Good grief, life can change so fast. We're 7/7/7 now. Seven months of dating, seven months of being engaged, and now seven months of being married. And I like the number 7- it's one of my favorite numbers. It gets better and better. Not necessarily easier...God knows the last 7 months have been anything but easy, but it really does keep getting better in spite of the adjustments and "growing pains."
And speaking of "pains," where the hell is my period? I'm 4 days late. Yeah, like i said...happy 7 month annniversary to us. hah. I don't think i'm pregnant...in fact, i'm willing it not to be. I'm determined that the back room in our house is going to be our office, NOT a nursery. I've lost a good bit of weight over the past few months, and the doc had told me that the weight loss could contribute to weird cycles, or even losing my cycle altogether, but geez, i still have some body fat left. But then again, i'm not on the pill either. I've had friends get pregnant when she was on the pill, so anything is possible. Nothing is guaranteed. I've decided that if my little friend hasn't shown up by Saturday, i'll go and get a pregnancy test. But i'm not pregnant. Nope. Besides, i'm going to be an Aunt again next Friday- Carmen is being induced and then Abby will be here!!! I can't wait to meet her! Yay for little baby girls. =) I must take her shoe shopping as soon as she understands what a shoe is. I've already told Jake that girls are all i want to have when it's time to start a family. (like it's up to me). Little girly-girls that i can dress up and take shopping and make their daddy crazy. just kidding....(kind of) =)
Guess that's all for now.....my little brain is tired. Gonna go to bed soon....
Saturday, February 17, 2007
in sickness and in health, always use lysol
My hands are so dry and cracked from using hand sanitizer and washing them...seriously, they're ugly...i think if i went to get a manicure, the people would probably say awful things about me in Vietnamese (or whatever language it is). Thank God for Curel hand lotion.
Jake has been suffering from this stomach thing....i don't know if it's a bug...he came home last night complaining of "indegestion" and a couple of nights before that (Valentine's Day,) he was running a slight fever and had body aches. I thought the worst of it was behind us until he started throwing up last night. *Special note: for those who don't know me, being around ANYONE who gets sick sends me into a panic state.* welcome to my life- i'm terrified of throwing up....or at least that's what it is on the surface. so perhaps this turns out to be pretty monumental in helping me get past this fear of being sick. i'm such a good wife, the minute my husband is sick, i'm considering how fast i can get away. geez. (i can't wait 'til we have kids). anyway, i eventally calmed myself down and finally convinced myself that i wasn't feeling sick too, and things were okay. he came out of the bathroom as if nothing remotely bad or repulsive had just happened and continued to watch TV. *me= amazed* the world didn't end. (i know this deep down inside but for whatever reason, it elicits such strong feelings). anyway, i decided to lay back on our bed and read while he watched "the departed," (a movie i probably couldn't handle on a normal stomach....)
today, he hasn't felt much better...i feel so bad for him because there's really nothing i can do to make him feel better. everything he eats causes his stomach to hurt, but he doesn't feel sick. he's convinced that it was something he ate earlier (i hope it wasn't the Valentine's meal i cooked for him...) i want to be convinced of that too. in fact, that's what i keep telling myself. i don't want to think it's some sort of bug because that could mean i'm next.
dun-dun-DUNNN....
anyway, enough of my antics....i hate feeling helpless. maybe watching a couple of good movies will take both of our minds off of things. so that's what we're going to do...
Jake has been suffering from this stomach thing....i don't know if it's a bug...he came home last night complaining of "indegestion" and a couple of nights before that (Valentine's Day,) he was running a slight fever and had body aches. I thought the worst of it was behind us until he started throwing up last night. *Special note: for those who don't know me, being around ANYONE who gets sick sends me into a panic state.* welcome to my life- i'm terrified of throwing up....or at least that's what it is on the surface. so perhaps this turns out to be pretty monumental in helping me get past this fear of being sick. i'm such a good wife, the minute my husband is sick, i'm considering how fast i can get away. geez. (i can't wait 'til we have kids). anyway, i eventally calmed myself down and finally convinced myself that i wasn't feeling sick too, and things were okay. he came out of the bathroom as if nothing remotely bad or repulsive had just happened and continued to watch TV. *me= amazed* the world didn't end. (i know this deep down inside but for whatever reason, it elicits such strong feelings). anyway, i decided to lay back on our bed and read while he watched "the departed," (a movie i probably couldn't handle on a normal stomach....)
today, he hasn't felt much better...i feel so bad for him because there's really nothing i can do to make him feel better. everything he eats causes his stomach to hurt, but he doesn't feel sick. he's convinced that it was something he ate earlier (i hope it wasn't the Valentine's meal i cooked for him...) i want to be convinced of that too. in fact, that's what i keep telling myself. i don't want to think it's some sort of bug because that could mean i'm next.
dun-dun-DUNNN....
anyway, enough of my antics....i hate feeling helpless. maybe watching a couple of good movies will take both of our minds off of things. so that's what we're going to do...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
a bad movie doesn't mean a bad day
so this has really been a great Valentine's Day....
i still have what i like to call the "wow, i'm really married" moments...like when i go to the "husband' section of Valentine's cards at Hallmark...it's crazy. In a good way. =)
Jake and I are watching a movie called "Facing the Giants." Apparently it was produced by some church in Georgia and the associate pastor is the head football coach. I'm blogging right now because i've given up on watching it. It's so saccharine and cheesy....like they're trying too hard to mimic "Remember the Titans" but with a "holy" spin on it. It could be that i had a little too much wine tonight at dinner....or it could be that the acting wasn't even as good as the worst Lifetime Original Movie i've seen....either way, i laughed my way through most of it.
In my head, i'm saying, "It's an f***in field goal....just kick it and stop talking about God." (*waiting for the lightening bolt*) But seriously, it's too much. When the wife tells the husband she's pregnant after years of infertility...she says, and i quote..."You've just joined the Daddy team." What the hell....Jake and i both just sat and laughed. I'm pretty sure when i find out i'm pregnant, i'm not going to tell Jake that he's just joined the "Daddy team." Or call my mom and tell her she just joined the "grandma team." So dumb. I would NOT recommend this movie. Unless you've had a couple of glasses of wine, and then you can just sit and make fun of it like i just did.
But other than this movie...today was a great day ending with roses and calla lilies, a sweet card, chocolate and a giant monkey balloon (that Slider is apparently terrified of- i just chased him all over the house with it). Dinner turned out great too. i think i may be getting the hang of this cooking thing...llok out Emeril. (riiiight.)
i still have what i like to call the "wow, i'm really married" moments...like when i go to the "husband' section of Valentine's cards at Hallmark...it's crazy. In a good way. =)
Jake and I are watching a movie called "Facing the Giants." Apparently it was produced by some church in Georgia and the associate pastor is the head football coach. I'm blogging right now because i've given up on watching it. It's so saccharine and cheesy....like they're trying too hard to mimic "Remember the Titans" but with a "holy" spin on it. It could be that i had a little too much wine tonight at dinner....or it could be that the acting wasn't even as good as the worst Lifetime Original Movie i've seen....either way, i laughed my way through most of it.
In my head, i'm saying, "It's an f***in field goal....just kick it and stop talking about God." (*waiting for the lightening bolt*) But seriously, it's too much. When the wife tells the husband she's pregnant after years of infertility...she says, and i quote..."You've just joined the Daddy team." What the hell....Jake and i both just sat and laughed. I'm pretty sure when i find out i'm pregnant, i'm not going to tell Jake that he's just joined the "Daddy team." Or call my mom and tell her she just joined the "grandma team." So dumb. I would NOT recommend this movie. Unless you've had a couple of glasses of wine, and then you can just sit and make fun of it like i just did.
But other than this movie...today was a great day ending with roses and calla lilies, a sweet card, chocolate and a giant monkey balloon (that Slider is apparently terrified of- i just chased him all over the house with it). Dinner turned out great too. i think i may be getting the hang of this cooking thing...llok out Emeril. (riiiight.)
Monday, February 12, 2007
no more "shoulds"
I love waking up to a rainy Saturday morning when i don't have anywhere to be and i can just lie there and sleep. And i love taking the occasional nap on a rainy afternoon. But i think i'm beginning to resent the rain a little more and more each time it's supposed to be in some other form....i.e. snow, sleet, ice. Whatever- I'll take it, just as long as it's not MORE rain. You'd think we're living in Florida.
Enough about the stupid weather here. The last couple of days- make that the last week- has been really rough. I'm still dealing with anxiety and just an overall sense that i'm not myself. I want to try to be happy. I have every reason in the world to BE happy- i have a wonderful husband and a cozy house, and a very loving lap-kitty. I have wonderful friends who, even though they don't understand totally what's going on with me, have been really supportive and have reached out to me. But it's been so difficult. Life always seems to throw curve balls at the worst possible times. (I guess if they eren't the worst times, maybe we wouldn't call them "curve balls...)
So i've really struggled with the "shoulds" (as my therapist calls them). i SHOULD be enjoying life as a newlywed because it flies by so fast...i SHOULD be able to go out and eat in a restaurant without feeling panicky...i SHOULD be a better wife/friend/daughter/piano teacher....i SHOULD be able to just "snap out of it." And those "shoulds" are what always seems to make me feel like i'm pinned down, when in reality, i'm not. It's like i've been serving myself these steaming hot plates of guilt ever since i started having these panic attacks. So this week, i've really tried to let go of the "shoulds." Those who know me well know that i love drama- or for whatever reason, it loves me and i can't escape it. I thought marriage would ease the "drama factor" but i was SO wrong. Don't get me wrong, being married to Jake is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but there's always drama.
The drama for me now is that i've operated under "SHOULDS" for so much of my life that being able to actually live life free from guilt and expectation is scary. As i was growing up, i somehow ended up convincing myself that i SHOULD be able to handle any problem on my own. I never talked to my parents about things that bothered me...i just waited for them to resolve themselves. I would usually talk to my friends...mostly about boy drama, (and do i have some stories....) but lots of times, i would still keep certain things to myself. Fears, especially. I consider some of my friendships to be some of the most deep and significant relationships i have, aside from Jake, but i would always feel like i could handle most issues better on my own. Maybe in other words, I wouldn't let anyone get too close.
And now i'm married. And it's not about living under the same roof with someone and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. I'm convinced that some people can be married for years without really knowing the person they're married to. When the honeymoon is over (such as it is) you fall back into your daily schedules and routines and get comfortable. Life takes on a different shape and perspective- a good thing, but sometimes a very tough thing- and both people adapt and carry on. You can marry a person and not really let them in. I've been trying to play that game for 6 months now. There's enough in this world to keep both sides occupied and if you're like me, you can put on a really great poker face until whatever it is that's bothering/hurting you goes away. But that can only go on for so long- for some people, it cold be years. Not for me. I'm learning so much everyday about what it means to be married and last night i learned that i can't NOT let Jake in. Not if this marriage is built on truth and everything we vowed to each other last summer. I have to learn to let him into everything about me: my past, my dreams, my fears, and especially into my pain.
Last night, i felt sick (again) and began to be afraid that i would throw up. I got up from the dinner table and Jake tried to coax me to sit back down but i had already worked myself up so much, i was looking for anything and everything that would make the feeling go away: lately it's been Ginger Ale, or Altoids. As soon as i had them in my hands he took them away and then i felt the huge rush of adrenaline, felt my heart beating rapidly, my throat tightening and thought that at any second i was going to spew. And then i felt angry- like a child who had just had their favorite toy taken away. So i just stood there and cried (and i don't mean the quiet tears trickling down my cheek). I mean wailing and sobbing- the "ugly" crying. Crying out of fear, out of anger, out of feeling really helpless....but at the same time, wanting to fight all of the anxiety that was in me. It's literally been a battle with my own mind, a battle with my own body.
Last night i learned that i can fight back and still be scared. I learned it's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit when you are. More importantly, i learned what it really means to let someone (Jake) into my pain. I know i'm not fighting any of this alone, but it's another thing to actually cry out for help. All because i believed for so many years that i "should" be able to get through tough things on my own. Can you say "idiot??" Pain is something i think we all want to be able to hide from other people, even our closest friends, but we're just not meant to. God's still working on me with that- helping me to understand what it means to be vulnerable...and i'm getting there. For me, it's so much harder to be vulnerable in front of the people i love most versus total strangers. God only knows why. Maybe it "should" be the other way around, but it isn't, and i have to accept that. Like i said, I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds.."
Enough about the stupid weather here. The last couple of days- make that the last week- has been really rough. I'm still dealing with anxiety and just an overall sense that i'm not myself. I want to try to be happy. I have every reason in the world to BE happy- i have a wonderful husband and a cozy house, and a very loving lap-kitty. I have wonderful friends who, even though they don't understand totally what's going on with me, have been really supportive and have reached out to me. But it's been so difficult. Life always seems to throw curve balls at the worst possible times. (I guess if they eren't the worst times, maybe we wouldn't call them "curve balls...)
So i've really struggled with the "shoulds" (as my therapist calls them). i SHOULD be enjoying life as a newlywed because it flies by so fast...i SHOULD be able to go out and eat in a restaurant without feeling panicky...i SHOULD be a better wife/friend/daughter/piano teacher....i SHOULD be able to just "snap out of it." And those "shoulds" are what always seems to make me feel like i'm pinned down, when in reality, i'm not. It's like i've been serving myself these steaming hot plates of guilt ever since i started having these panic attacks. So this week, i've really tried to let go of the "shoulds." Those who know me well know that i love drama- or for whatever reason, it loves me and i can't escape it. I thought marriage would ease the "drama factor" but i was SO wrong. Don't get me wrong, being married to Jake is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but there's always drama.
The drama for me now is that i've operated under "SHOULDS" for so much of my life that being able to actually live life free from guilt and expectation is scary. As i was growing up, i somehow ended up convincing myself that i SHOULD be able to handle any problem on my own. I never talked to my parents about things that bothered me...i just waited for them to resolve themselves. I would usually talk to my friends...mostly about boy drama, (and do i have some stories....) but lots of times, i would still keep certain things to myself. Fears, especially. I consider some of my friendships to be some of the most deep and significant relationships i have, aside from Jake, but i would always feel like i could handle most issues better on my own. Maybe in other words, I wouldn't let anyone get too close.
And now i'm married. And it's not about living under the same roof with someone and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. I'm convinced that some people can be married for years without really knowing the person they're married to. When the honeymoon is over (such as it is) you fall back into your daily schedules and routines and get comfortable. Life takes on a different shape and perspective- a good thing, but sometimes a very tough thing- and both people adapt and carry on. You can marry a person and not really let them in. I've been trying to play that game for 6 months now. There's enough in this world to keep both sides occupied and if you're like me, you can put on a really great poker face until whatever it is that's bothering/hurting you goes away. But that can only go on for so long- for some people, it cold be years. Not for me. I'm learning so much everyday about what it means to be married and last night i learned that i can't NOT let Jake in. Not if this marriage is built on truth and everything we vowed to each other last summer. I have to learn to let him into everything about me: my past, my dreams, my fears, and especially into my pain.
Last night, i felt sick (again) and began to be afraid that i would throw up. I got up from the dinner table and Jake tried to coax me to sit back down but i had already worked myself up so much, i was looking for anything and everything that would make the feeling go away: lately it's been Ginger Ale, or Altoids. As soon as i had them in my hands he took them away and then i felt the huge rush of adrenaline, felt my heart beating rapidly, my throat tightening and thought that at any second i was going to spew. And then i felt angry- like a child who had just had their favorite toy taken away. So i just stood there and cried (and i don't mean the quiet tears trickling down my cheek). I mean wailing and sobbing- the "ugly" crying. Crying out of fear, out of anger, out of feeling really helpless....but at the same time, wanting to fight all of the anxiety that was in me. It's literally been a battle with my own mind, a battle with my own body.
Last night i learned that i can fight back and still be scared. I learned it's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit when you are. More importantly, i learned what it really means to let someone (Jake) into my pain. I know i'm not fighting any of this alone, but it's another thing to actually cry out for help. All because i believed for so many years that i "should" be able to get through tough things on my own. Can you say "idiot??" Pain is something i think we all want to be able to hide from other people, even our closest friends, but we're just not meant to. God's still working on me with that- helping me to understand what it means to be vulnerable...and i'm getting there. For me, it's so much harder to be vulnerable in front of the people i love most versus total strangers. God only knows why. Maybe it "should" be the other way around, but it isn't, and i have to accept that. Like i said, I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds.."
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