"ehhh?"

i'm in a funk this morning....i couldn't really tell you why, because even i'm not sure. Just really emotional...which is odd, because it isn't that time of the month for me. Seriously, i think i'm going crazy sometimes.
i feel like i'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life. that's what i think. it's probably not true...but i just don't feel like i'm contributing anything. i have nothing to pour myself into (other than being a wife- which is great, don't get me wrong). i teach my piano lessons which, at best, are 3-4 days a week. it's not that i don't like my students, but it's just gotten to the point where i don't really care that much. i know that's a horrible thing to think. i've been doing this now for going on six years, and i thin i'm over it. the last thing i saw myself doing after i got married was sitting at home for several hours during the day waiting for that 2 hour window when i would actually "work." i started out this fall with close to 40 students. i teach about 15 now. maybe some people would think, "must be nice." trust me, i really don't take for granted the fact that i have the choice whether to work or not- a lot of people don't. jake has been so understanding and supportive of me as i've been going through all of this. i know this is one huge way God has provided for me- i can't imagine how i would have survived any of this without him. compared to the love and emotional support he's given me, the financial part is nothing, but i'm still so grateful. i would give anything to be well enough again to have all my students back and feel like my normal self. (i use the word "normal" loosely).
maybe it's time for a career change. that's part of the problem though...right now, when i stop to think about it, there's nothing that i feel really passionate about. maybe i'll begin to feel differently once i'm out of this rough patch, but seriously, if i were to sum up my feelings in one word- especially today- it would be "ehhh?" as in, apathy. maybe a little discouraged- ok, a lot discouraged. i'm trying to keep my chin up, think good thoughts, pray...all of that, but some days are just tough. sometimes for no reason at all. and those are the days when "keep on keeping on" is my mantra. and i don't even know for what.
let's sum it up, shall we? (i'm no psychologist, but i think i know me pretty well).
i got married a little over 7 months ago. i have the life i always prayed i would have. i've also lost 25 lbs., haven't been able to eat, go out to restaurants or malls, see friends, and it's been hard enough to even get through church. (me + crowds = no good). being the social butterfly i once was, i find this to be terribly ironic. or ironically terrible, however you want to look at it. growing up, i didn't ever care what career i had- all i wanted was to be someone's wife and eventually a mom. i am jake's wife now (lucky girl that i am) but i would look jake in the eye (actually i already have) and anyone else for that matter and tell them that the last 7 months have been the toughest months i can remember going through. i wasn't prepared for any of this anxiety stuff...and there's no handbook out there telling you how to adjust to married life.
so i've gotten to be the bride and i had a beautiful wedding (if i do say so myself). but now i'm in this unfamiliar place in my life. ALL of my married friends are pregnant with either their first or second babies. actually, i take that back- carmen just had her baby yesterday! *yay!!!* so she's not preggers now, but has 2 babies. another friend of mine came up to me at church on Sunday and told me she was 7 weeks along. there must be something in the water around here. seriously. so i told jake last night that i wanted to have a baby. he looked at me like i had just sprouted a second nose. but really, i think i just want to have something to be excited about again. i DO see it for what it is. i don't really think i want a baby now- i need to get better first, and the time i have with jake right now is precious. we won't ever get it back once the kids start coming. i think it's that i see friends getting engaged and planning weddings, and then i see other friends gushing about being pregnant, and then here i am. twiddling my thumbs. wondering what the heck i'm supposed to be doing with my life and trying to figure out why i even thought things were complicated before i got married. i think some peopl would call that naievity. life changes so quickly. you go on one blind date and the next thing you know, you're walking down the aisle a little over a year later. (and when i said "you" i meant "me"- duh.)
so, i'm not trying to have a pity party (although you may not be convinced). i'm actually having other parties- a baby shower for carmen and a bridal shower for rebecca! yay!! i'm very excited for them both and so glad to be a part of life changing events like this. my perspective isn't always what it should be....but then again, no one's got it all together. (although we like to appear that we do).